My nether regions

Hello, me hearties...

The clocks have gone back which, to my mind, means that it gets late early, if you see what I mean.

The weather is finally cooling down, the wind is blowing and the rain is falling... which is why it baffles me that me humans decided to get me a haircut now, just when I could really do with keeping me golden locks.

In fairness they have been trying to get me a shearing for a while without much success.  The lady who used to do me (so to speak) is having a break 'cos she's not been very well and another guy took one look at me dreads, shook his head and said, 'Sorry, I dursn't touch them!'  And left pretty smartish.

Eventually, though, me human Renee got a recommendation from a lady down the pub, she rang the place and Richard delivered me yesterday afternoon to get a trim.

He was given fairly strict instructions by Renee about what he had to say:

1. A good trim
2. But not too much off
3. Don't brush
4. Use scissors, not clippers
5. Tidy up face (the cheek of it)
6. Trim in belly area
7. Sort out the extra furry bits around me nether regions so clinkers don't form

Well, the bloke was as good as his word (and clearly terrified of making a mistake) because he left me pretty shaggy... which is nice.

Except around me gentleman's area.

I got a good shave around me bum and balls and me gentleman sausage too.

The problem is, I'm now aware of it 'cos I can feel a breeze and have the constant desire to... erm... shall we say 'tidy it up' at regular intervals.

I just know Richard is praying for someone to make the appropriate comment when I'm sitting in the middle of the floor with one leg behind me ear and me nose buried down below; you know the one:

'Oooh!  I wish I could do that!'

To which, of course, the only acceptable response is (altogether now): 'Give him a bone and he might let you!'

Boom Boom.

Anyway, my haircut wasn't too drastic so I'm still able to keep relatively warm.

So, on to the shop.  Things continue to move: the lease is going backwards and forwards between solicitors, quotes are coming in thick and fast, the architect is almost finished and we're starting the process of getting 'sharers' - people who are going to rent desks from us: if you know of anyone who is looking for a desk, point them in my direction.

In fact, the only thing that's holding us up is Planning Permission which should be through in a couple of weeks... so watch this space 'cos there's a big party coming!

You can keep up to date with progress on the move by Liking our Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh) or follow us on Twitter (@ReneeMackay)

Big things from little things

It strikes me as funny how you humans make big things from little things and vice versa.

I was thinking about this after encountering me new friend Denzil.  I have included a picture to show you why big vs little was suddenly at the forefront of me mind:

Let me explain what I mean...

Me human, Richard, once made a screw up at work, when he was still employed that was.  It wasn't a big screw up, just a little thing.

He ordered some training manuals in an old version and had to re-order some more.  All told the problem cost his company (a bank as it happens) about a hundred quid or so.

The thing was darling Dickie boy had to go through a procurement process even for this amount of money and, because he screwed up, he had to tell his boss that he needed another purchase order and why.

Blimey, did he worry about it... a got a knot in the pit of his stomach, couldn't sleep and really worried about things for days.

Finally, he screwed up the courage to tell his boss what he'd done.  And do you know what his boss said?

Yep, on this occasion you are quite correct...

'Thanks for telling me, no problem.'

Not only did he feel massive relief he also felt like a right muppet and was very angry with himself for not having the balls to confront things earlier.  (That's a doggy expression by the way and nothing to do with what you're thinking right now... honest).

I'm also finding the opposite is true of you humans, too.

Things that are really massive are sometimes dismissed with an 'Oh, it'll be alright.'

Take me for instance.  I heard me human Renee saying 'Barney's not going to be happy we're going out tonight.'  And all Richard could say was 'Oh, he'll be alright!'

See what I mean?

A massive decision to leave me alone was dismissed with four words.  As it happened I was alright.  I mean what better place is there than being in the presence of me own magnificence?

But there are other things, too.

Me human Renee is always talking about what's important and what's not.  Take accounts for instance.

Just about every accountant in the world talks about 'doing accounts' and being good at it.  But think about it this way - accounts are what accountants do; they should only be an issue if they go wrong.  So she gets her team at TaxAssist to differentiate themselves on how they look after customers - how they feel when they come to see us.

Of course, I play my full part in this... after all, who could not be happy at seeing me!

The New Shop

Well, me hearties, the shop is progressing apace...

Sort of.

I assume it's progressing apace but I don't really know 'cos it's all happening in the background at the moment.

Let me give you a couple of 'for instances'.  The lease.  I had no idea what was happening here until I gave our solicitor a call and then he told me that:

1. He'd got the lease from 'the other side' as he put it
2. He was going to read it that afternoon
3. Then me humans and no doubt me too (for me keen legal brain that is) would have it explained to us
4. Then we tell 'the other side' about any changes
5. They argue about them and we argue back
6. Finally we'll agree
7. Then we can sign

Sounds like a bit of a faff to me, but I suppose it's all important stuff.

We got an email from the Planning Department to say we'd definitely have a decision by 6th December but it would probably be before!

6th December?  What?

I mean how hard can it be?  It's not as though we're knocking the shop down!  But there we are, apparently thems the rules.  Seems like a bit of a faff to me.

The architect is drawing up plans as we speak and says he's got 16 desks into the space but we're just waiting for him to send the drawings over.  Seems like a bit of a faff to me.

We've started getting quotes in for external signs and carpets... yep waiting for those, too.

We'll get builders quotes as soon as we get the architect's plans... which also have to go to 'the other side' via the lawyer before they can approve them and sign the lease...

You know what?

My head hurts and it seems like one big faff to me.

Of course it isn't and it's all necessary and, to be honest this organising lark is only going to get more complicated before getting easier...

That's why I'm glad me human Dickie Boy is doing it.  So, if you have any ideas about how to do it better, things he should be considering don't hesitate to get in touch... with him, not me!  But we're trying to get in for the first couple of weeks in December so be prepared for our launch party!

By the way, don't forget we do have a lovely office here in Corstorphine available to take over.  There's six and a half years left on the lease with a break clause in eighteen months.  Lovely location, loads of passing trade, nicely done out...  get in touch if you want to know more.

0131 202 9888 or via the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh

Where you'll also find the first picture of the inside of the new place!

Shop update... yippee!

My darling fans and followers, whom I know are legion... I am delighted to tell you me humans have concluded the deal on their new shop.

Yippee!

So, just the legals to go and time to get the lawyers involved, which fills me doggy soul full of trepidation.

Anyway, back to the new shop.  As you know the old shop which has stood us in good stead for the last three and half years just isn't big enough any more.  With eight people and six desks... well, you can do the maths better than I can; I'm a dog.

Me human Richard, who gets charged for his desk by me other human Renee is usually gutted because because he he and Renee and the only team members who don't have a desk.  As Renee says: 'tuck your laptop under your arm, crack on and stop complaining, old boy.'

In fact, during the last three and a half years Richard has told every one who'll listen that his very own trouble and strife charges him for a desk.  He only does this because he's looking for a bit of sympathy and keeps doing it because he's had none to date.  Most people simply shrug their shoulders and say 'Sounds like good business to me' and that's an end of it.

Our new shop, then, is about three times bigger than the current outfit which means there's going to be plenty of room for everyone (including a desk for Richard) as well as space for extra stuff.

Renee asked the team what they wanted in the office, in an ideal world...

She was expecting outlandish requests... maybe the need for a hammock was upper most in someone's mind; for those lunchtime power naps.  Or maybe a fully stocked bar complete with optics and a pool table. Or maybe a massage table, complete with masseuse on permanent standby (that suggestion may have come from Richard).

But not a bit of it.  The team's requirements are much more down to Earth...

A good coffee machine, separate loos that can be accessed when Renee is having a meeting, a dishwasher and a desk each seem to be top of the list.

Well, I'm very pleased to tell them that I've authorised all of these things so all should be good!

To be (semi) serious for just a mo, though; the new shop is just what Renee and Richard have been looking for.  It's a perfect size, it's in great condition and, most importantly of all, it's right here in Corstorphine which means you don't have to worry:

YOU'LL GET THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY FOR MANY YEARS TO COME!

I ain't going anywhere.

I'll keep you posted with regular updates as to how the shop is progressing and, of course, when we'll be opening the doors.  I expect I shall be asked to perform the official ceremony, don't you?

See you soon me hearties.

Fabulous, Darling

I, in my infinite wisdom, have been lying around in the office for many months now...

I've begun to pick up on certain words and phrases which are beginning to pass into TaxAssist folklore.

But I'm starting the story in the middle, so to speak.  So let me explain a bit more about where I'm coming from.

It all started (we think) with Nicola Wilson in the office... you know the one: Nicola is the lady who Richard tries to take a picture of every week for Facebook and always fails.  She's either got her hands up, or her back turned or maybe there's just a spinning chair as she's made a harp sharp....

Whatever...

The important fact is that she's too fast for Richard.  You can see how fast she is here:

https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh

Anyway, back to Nicola.  It all started with a little phrase she says on the 'phone: 'Nae Bother' which is fine 'cos she always says it very nicely.  Richard, though. has started taking the mick by asking her 'How are you spelling that?'

And it's now dropped into the team's general language.  If anyone hears anyone else saying 'Nae Bother' it's immediately followed by 'How are you spelling that?'

Hilarious.  (Or at least everyone seems to think so.  I have to say it goes over my doggy head.  I must be a little bit too intelligent for our team...)

But other things have started to drop in, too.

Take the word 'Fabulous'.

It's brilliant.  'Fab-u-lous, Darling' expresses so much in just too words.  Say it in a Danny La Rue (or Sharon Osborne for those of a younger disposition) type way and you can get all sorts of nuances out of it.

But now the team says: 'Fabelous'... yes, 'Fab-e-lous'.

I mean, what's all that about?  Where did it come from?  Why is it encroaching on the language of the office and why has none of the team ever used it to describe me?

And, clearly, the answer to that last question is the most important of all!

I do recognise the need for social lubrication in making the world go round... after all, that's why you humans are so obsessed with talking about the weather... social lubrication, you see.  But please, for heaven's sake can you get your pronunciation right.

It drives me nuts and it would be nae bother to make the world fabelous.

Still it gives the team something to talk about!

Do you know what you don't know?

For a woofer I'm pretty clued in to all sorts of things.

For example, I can't tell the time but I always know when dinner is about to be chucked my way.

I can tell whether a person is right 'un or a wrong 'un within 2 seconds of meeting them... they give off a smell, you see.  All you humans do and I can tell just from the way you smell what sort of person you are.

I pretty much know how to get me humans to sort me out with a treat: sit down, look cute, bash them wiv me beak to get their full attention and then look longingly into their eyes whilst making me own deep brown mincies melt and dissolve with love and adoration for their kindness...

It's all complete tosh of course, but it seems to work on them.  Saps!

Anyway, although I know a lot of stuff, I would never pretend that I know everything or that I'm even much good a lots of things... I'm not and I'm quite happy with that.  It takes quite a lot of the pressure off.  If you've got a reputation for being a bit daft people are more willing to forgive true lapses into naughtiness.

Hence I get away with the occasional crafty nip at Richard's fingers.  'Awww, he didn't mean it...'  Ha!

I was therefore intrigued when me humans were talking the other day and Renee says to Richard when he mentioned a mutual acquaintance and she said in her most sniffy way:

'Him?  You could write what he knows on the back of a postage stamp and still have room for the name and address!'

For some reason this made Richard laugh, but then he grew serious.

It turns out this guy had set himself up as some kind of guru and was leading a group of people right down the garden path.  Even to a woofer like me it was obvious the guy was thinking small time when he should have been thinking big.  He was thinking short term when he should have been thinking long.  He was thinking 'what can I get out of this' when he should have been thinking 'what can I help this group of people get?'

Why do some humans do that?

Why do they set themselves up to be something they're not rather than saying at the outset: 'I can't help you with that.'  Surely it's more powerful to say 'but I know someone who can...'

I've had a word wiv meself about this and I've come up with some observations about why you humans sometimes pretend to know more than you do:

1. If you don't keep talking your mouths seize up
2. You worry that unless you are brilliant at everything other humans might not like you
3. You aren't quite sure how to say 'no'

After I ran through all these possibilities in me head I came to the conclusion that I was being a bit harsh and I came up with a much simpler and easier to understand theory:

The real reason for not admitting that you don't know something is because you don't know that you don't know it... and if you did know it, that you didn't know that is, it would be much easier to admit you didn't know and that you know someone who does and they can help.

You see; my doggy wisdom knows no bounds... all you need to do is answer these three easy questions and they'll see you right:

1. Do you know what you're on about?
2. Do you kind of know what you're on about but someone else might be better placed?
3. Do you actually want to help the person in front of you?

If you answer any of these questions with a 'no', run.  Honestly run a mile and things will work out better for all concerned.

Facebook

Me Human, Richard, has suddenly become very active on Facebook doing all sorts of strange things.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

He's taken pictures of everyone's shoes for his 'whose shoes?' feature, he makes the team pose for 'funny' pictures as though they were having a punch up over a can of beer for example and he makes them hold up hand written notes usually about he kind of day they're having.

It's all bonkers and the team now raise their collective eyebrows' when they hear the immortal words: 'Okay, I need to take a couple of photos!'

Seems like a lot of palaver to me... as per the subject of a previous blog all you need to do is sniff someone's wee and you find out all you need to know about them... but apparently you humans have got some kind of taboo about that.

Anyway, back to Facebook... and you can have a look at our Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/accountantsedinburgh to see what kind of muppetry is going on...

But I have to admit, though it pains me to do it, that it seems to be working.  We're getting lots of comments about the page (A guy Richard is working with in Taunton, that's Somerset, said to him 'You do a lot on Facebook, don't you?) and me other human Renee is really busy with new customers.

The thing is, though, no-one has yet said, 'I've signed up because I saw you on Facebook.'

Although I'm almost too modest to admit it, some people have said, 'I signed up because you've got a great dog!'

Almost too modest, but not quite.

So what's going on with Facebook?  Is increased numbers of new customers to do with social media, is it just because the economy is getting better or is it a whole range of factors?

Answer on a postcard, please, but not to me.  I'm a dog and not really interested!

Of course, you could always have a look at a really good Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist?ref=hl