Communication

I heard a story this morning that was very funny...

Well, to be honest, Dickie boy heard the story and told me later.  I thought it was worth sharing.

Dick was at a BNI meeting this morning and one of the guys there runs a garage - or at least his son does; the fella at the meeting was a sub for the day.

His 60 second story was all about communication and what he thought was a fairly clear instruction.

This is how the story ran:

A guy came into the garage for four new tyres on his Mondeo.  'How long will it be?'  Asks he.

'Well,' I replied, 'Each tyre will take me about fifteen minutes and I know you're on time but I'm running about fifteen minutes late, so it will be an hour and a quarter all told.

And having said that I took the fellas car keys and laid them on the counter in the office.

'Would you like to you like to wait in reception, or come back?'

The customer looked thoughtful for a minute and then decided that he would come back.

Ten minutes later the boss of the garage (my son) fixes me with a steely stare and says, 'Where are the keys for the Mondeo... come to think of it, where'e the Mondeo?'

'Well, that was a bum clenching moment', says the tyre guy to the meeting... 'And I have to say the rest of the morning was a bit frosty in the garage.

'I thought I'd given a perfectly reasonable and straightforward instruction.  But no.  It turns out that I didn't.  I learned a valuable lesson that day... but I'm buggered if I can remember what it was!'

And with that he sat down.

Absolute genius and a brilliantly told story with just the right amount of drama and comedy.

Me well trained human

Renee, the more sensible of me two humans, remarked this morning about how well trained me other human is.

She was talking about how I'd done a fantastic training job on him and how obedient he is.  I think she was angling for some tips to make him more obedient (if that's possible) when she wanted something done.

You see I employed reverse psychology, yes, that's right, reverse psychology to make Dick think he was training me... but all the time it was the other way round.

Take this morning as an example.

I sits down and whacks him with me paw and he gives me a biscuit.  Just to prove it's not a fluke, I do it again and guess what, another biscuit.

I get up in the middle of the night and sit down by the door to me bedroom (which I let me humans share) and I guarantee that within 5 minutes Dickie Boy has got up and opened the door so I can go and lie down in the beautifully cool hall way.

It's amazing the things he does for me... picks up me crap, scratches behind me ears, feeds me a regular as clockwork... there's almost no end to what I can get him to do.

Renee looks at all this with a mixture of amused indulgence and exasperation on her face.  She can't quite work out if I'm very manipulative or that the Dickster is a complete muppet.

Actually, she can work it out; it's obvious to Blind Freddie... she's just too polite to say.

Now, to get technical with what's going on here, it's all about conditioning.  I've conditioned Dickie Boy to do what I want him to do and now he just does it... and sometimes customers do the same to whoever provides them with a service.

You know the sort of thing... you do something once and tell yourself it's just a one off and you won't do it again, a least not without charging the customer for it.

But now their expectation has been set and they ask you to do it again.  You try to argue that you should charge them but they, quite rightly, point out that you didn't last time, so you just do it for them again.

All of a sudden, it's just natural that you should do this thing and you do it without even thinking.  In other words you've been conditioned to do the thing... just like Dick is.

I'm not saying you should stop doing the thing that you've been conditioned to do (heaven forbid that Dickie should stop giving me biscuits when I hold up me paw) but it has to be better that you're aware of it and can choose to make a change if you want to or need to.

There you go, some real advice from your hairy friend.

I know I've been away for a while but it's all been a little busy... I'm back now though, and will be blogging more regularly again!

Any questions - send them to me via Facebook and I'll give you the benefit of me wisdom... https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh

And count yourselves lucky it's me, 'cos if it was Dick, the benefit of his wisdom wouldn't take long to put down on paper!

Cheers Mateys.

Let Down

I have to say, darling ones, I somewhat let meself down today.

You see, I'm very good around the dinner table.  I don't beg for food (much).  Oh, I do the ol' sad eyed stare and the hope that a tasty morsel might be slipped my way.

It never is, by the way.  Slipped, that is.  My way.

Nor, if food is left out, do I succumb like some of me weaker willed brethren and feel the need to steal from work tops and the such like.

Well trained and well behaved.  That's your wonderful Barns.

But today, I just couldn't help it.

I'd taken me human, Dick Stupid, to Pets At Home to buy me some victuals... you know: biscuits and treats and that sort of thing.

He'd just got his credit card into the machine ready to pay when he happened to glance in my direction.  Just as I'd nicked a pigs ear from the bucket next to the checkout.  I mean, it's outrageous that they put that sort of thing next to the tills... it's just encouraging a dog like me to misbehave.

But not to worry... there were a couple of very sensible ladies in the queue just behind Dickie-do-dah who seemed to take a shine to me:

'Ahhhh...' (they said in unison) 'That's a shame.  He couldn't resist it.  Bless him.  He's so gorgeous, let him have the ear.'

So Dick hands over the extra 99p and I got to keep the ear.  And quite right, too.  After all, the pig didn't need it any more.

I'm not sure if there's a moral to this story?

I dunno:

Don't steal pigs ears, maybe.

Or:

If you are going to steal pigs ears, make sure there are two ladies who can smooth over the indiscretion in close vicinity.

No, it's none of those.  It's:

Be good... and if you can't be good, be careful.

I'll be more careful next time.

After all, you can't be good all the time!

Almost Christmas

I don't know about you but I'm sufferin'(yes, sufferin') from a dichotomy of feelings about the festive season.

On the one hand Nic'la from the office is so excited it's become infectious.

In fact, she loves Christmas so much Uncle Dick put her in charge of decorations and the general ambience in the ol' place throughout December.

Of course, her first question was: 'How much can I spend?'

'Oh, I was thinking about £100 on decorations,' says Dickie Boy.

The next thing he knows Nic'la has sent him a link to a specialist Christmas Tree website requesting that he purchase an 8 foot pine effect Christmas Tree... for £116.99.

'But, but, but...' splutters Dick.  'That's over your budget!'

'No, no, no,' responds Nic'la.  You said I could have £100 on decorations.  The tree is not part of the decorations; the decorations hang on the tree.'

There was no escaping the logic so Dick orders the tree.  But he gets his own back a bit.  He's ordered the tree to turn up at Nic'la's home.  She lives in Dunbar and gets the train into work every day!

So, we're well and truly in the build up to Christmas in the office which is good.  I feel quite festive.

But the other side of my particular dichotomy is that it's so bloomin' warm.  And I'm wearing a fur coat in case you hadn't noticed.

Not that that's possible, of course... not noticing me and my magnificent pelt.

A couple of weeks ago I overheard Renee telling Dick Numpty that it was going to be a long, hard and cold winter.  With snow, ice and freezing conditions from start to finish.

And that would have been fine.  I don't mind that... you kind of expect it living up here in the wilds of the North.  And it's only right and proper over Christmas... log fires, long walks and all that.

But this warmth.

It just ain't right.

The leaves aren't off the trees yet and Dick Dumbo is too hot in his human coat when we walk to work in the mornings.

In short - I'm confused and I don't like it.

Dick tried to make a business simile from my misery which I think is just a little self indulgent and quite a lot of a liberty.

He reckons that if your customers don't know what to expect they'll get the hump like what I've got.

The problem is, like me, they have expectations whether you set those expectations or not.  I expect winter to be cold and I already feel short changed.  Why do I expect winter to be cold?  Because it has been in previous years, of course.

So, if your customers have received one level of service, they'll expect it again... unless you actually tell 'em things have changed.  They'll have expectations based on what's happened in the past.

So, to make sure your customers' expectations actually match what you can deliver you have to tell 'em.  And then tell 'em again what you're going to do.  And then you go out and beat those expectations so your customers are really happy.  There you are... Barney's Business Advice.

More importantly, though, I would give real money to see Nic'la on the train from Dunbar with an 8 foot real effect pine tree under her arm.

Uncle Dick

Now I have to say I quite often write about me human Dickie Boy and I'm often quite disparaging (yes, disparaging) about him.

He's a nice enough old cove if a bit of a muppet from time to time.

But me other human, Renee does insist on calling him Barney's Dad... at which point Dick always says 'I'm not his Dad, I'm his master!'

As if!

In that sentence the Dickster has actually managed to excel himself by being at least 50% right.

He is correct in saying that he's not me Dad and I'm quite relieved about it.  I mean, he's got no fur to speak of (apart from a light covering on his chest), he's only got two legs, no tail, his nose ain't wet, his tongue doesn't loll (except sometimes after about 10.30 on a Friday night after a particularly hard week), he doesn't sleep enough, doesn't like throwing things for me very much, eats with a knife and fork and not straight from a bowl and doesn't appreciate it when I get amorous wiv his right leg.  (It's always his right leg and never his left.  Why's that I wonder?)

I mean - who'd want that as a Dad?

Sadly the other 50% of his statement wasn't so accurate.  I can't really see how he can say he's my master.  Do I come when he calls?  Only when I want to...  Do I lay down, roll over and play dead at his command?  No...  Does he feed me when I look at him?  Yes.

So how's that him being my master?

The thing about is Nicola from the office (Pronounced Nickla) has joined in on the act.

She's worked with Renee and Dickie Doo Dah for nearly two years and today she pipes up that for the first time she's started thinking of Dick as Uncle Richard!

Now, I'm not sure if this accurate or not.  She is actually Renee's niece, so does that make her Richard's niece, too?  Niece-in-Law maybe?  I dunno.

The thing is, she's started addressing emails to Dick Dastardly as Dear Uncle Richard.

Just a little thing that's driving him nuts... and therefore I'm all for it.

I guess the bottom lie to all this, when I actually think about it is that I'm quite happy to let Dick think he's my master (when everybody in the world knows that it's the other way around) just as long as he keeps putting me food out and he scratches me essentials every so often.

I suppose that's the nature of relationships... he gives me something and I give him something in return.

Renee talks about relationships and whether they are in debit or credit.  They are a bit like a human bank account.  Sometimes you have to pay in to a relationship and other times you take something from it... but you can't do both all the time, it just doesn't work.

Of course, my relationships are always in credit... I allow people to stroke me and that's it - deposit made!

Big sad eyes

I'm discoverin' a couple of new weapons in me quest to be the cutest dog in the greatest Kingdom on Earth...

I'm sure many other subjects of the animal Kingdom want to be the same but they just don't stand a chance.

You see, when someone comes into the shop who I didn't know I'd sort of plod over to them, 'ave a little sniff and, if they don't have any food on 'em, I'd plod back to Dickie Boy's desk to keep an eye on him.

I have to do that because if I don't he'll do something stupid, like get lost on his way to the loo or disappear for days on end working down south.

I don't know, that boy, for a smart human can sometimes be very stupid indeed.

Anyway, if someone I know comes into the office like, say Alan Johnston from City Local, I'll bound over to him and make a fuss, presenting me backside to be scratched and sometimes even planting me paws on a manly chest just so as it's easy to scratch around be shell likes... (that's ears, by the way).

Now, the other day, I had a dilemma.

In comes this lady, who looked very sensible and nice to me.  I padded over in me usual way to say hello and do you know what?

Nothing.

Not a flicker.

She didn't 'coo' at me, offer a single scratch or even look at me.

I was flabbergasted.  My gast was well and truly flabbered.

Well, I wasn't 'aving that.  I had to do something.

So. I sat down next to the lady, with me back to her.  I turned me head and looked over me shoulder at her and made me brown eyes melt and dissolve... in fact, I almost shed a manly tear.

And, do yo know what?

It worked!

'Awwww... didn't I pay you any attention?  You poor boy.  I'm sorry.  There you are, how's that,' says she, scratching the top of me head.

Well, it was famous, I can tell you.

I've tried it a couple of times since... the big doleful eyes, very quiet and manly and it's worked every time.

Dickie boy reckons it's just about knowing your customers and what's important to them... and treating them all differently.  He reckons there's this phrase:

'Treat customers as you would want to be treated yourself' which he says is plain wrong.  'How about,' says he, 'treating customers as they want to be treated?'

Good point.  I like 'having me butt scratched, but I'm not sure it would work if I tried to do it to anyone else!

Before signing off this week I wonder if I could ask a favour?  We'd be very grateful if you'd visit and Like our Facebook Page:

https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh 

Milk

'Ello me old muckers... it's been a while since I wrote to you but I've been inspired this week!

Did I mention it was me birf'day last week?

No?  Well it was... I'm now a big five years old and I guess that makes me almost middle aged.  Me human Richard always says that a labrador is a stomach attached to a life support system... and that's what's happening to me.

Then he goes on to say that the lary poodle in me is giving way to the lazy labrador.

Very complimentary is ol' Dickie boy, ain't he just, but I don't agree with a word he says... ever.

Never mind, I wanted to write to you today about... someone.

I've written about that someone before.  You should read the blog about white coffee.  You know the one.  This person was asked to make coffee for everyone.  When he took ages Richard went to find him... there he was holding a jar of coffee, still looking in the cupboard.  'What are you doing?'  Asks Richard.  'Well, I've found this coffee,' comes the reply, 'But I can't find the white coffee.'

Anyway, this story is about the same person.

Me other human, Renee, was working late and having a tough time sorting out something that should have been easy.  Our hero or heroine (not me on this occasion but the subject of me story) came over and hovered by her desk.

'What?'  Says Renee, pretty sharp.

'I just wondered if you wanted some chocolate.'

Immediate change in demeanour.  'Oh, yes please.  Thank you very much.'

'What sort do you have?'

'Just milk chocolate, please.'

And off he or she toddles to the shop.

A few minutes later in he or she comes with a large bar of white chocolate... in fact, it must have been the largest Milky Bar in the shop.

It's an easy mistake to make!  It's the same colour as milk!

And the thought was very much in the right place!

Execution might have been a slight issue but never mind.  It did give me a little chuckle at the end of a very busy day - a busy day for everyone else, that is.