Having told you, me adoring fans, about the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge many of you... well some of you... okay, okay one of you were kind enough to tell me how funny you found last week's blog.
I know the rest of you were thinking it but just never got round to telling me. You really need to make more of an effort to tell me how great I am.
Was that a bit over the top? A bit self indulgent maybe? No? Okay, well if you say so, that's fine.
Anyway, I thought I'd give a sit rep about the progress we've made since last week.
Errrr...
Wellllll...
The terms of the lease have been agreed, the designer is standing by and so is the builder. All we need to do is finalise all that legal stuff and Robert's your uncle and aunt Phanella is coming for tea and cakes.
The place is in pretty good nick so a bit of banging and a lick of paint there and we should be good to go. The planned date is to be for the first week of July.
Wonderful!
Now, there's a few things we need to do between now and then. One of them is to remind all my fans (for fans read 'clients who come to see me in Corstorphine) that we're going nowhere. Our new place in Stockbridge ain't 'instead of' it's 'as well as'.
Without wishing to sound like a bad speech on BAFTA day, 'you're all special to us in your own unique way... even those of you who bring in your bookkeeping smelling of fish.'
You know who you are!
And the good thing is me human renee has assembled a really crack team in Corstorphine. Honestly, if I didn't know they were accountants I'd think they were SAS or smoehting.
Anyway, the point I'm making is this: if you want to see me to give me fur the ocassional ruffle I'm still going to be about. If, in the less likely circumstance you want to speak to me human Renee... well that will still be fine, too.
I'll write you another update next week.
Cheers me ol' muckers.
Barney.
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
When Barney met Ted
Let's get one thing straight right from the very start... I don't like Ted.
It's not like it's sour grapes or nuffing... I mean it's not like he's better looking than me; he ain't. It's not like he's cuter than me... that would just be impossible! And it ain't like he can run faster than me.
Well, he might be able to run faster than me, but pound for pound I'm faster than him.
(I have a lot of fur to cart around with me.)
Anyway, being all gracious, I suppose from some angles Ted ain't a bad looking woofer and his curly fur might be attractive to some people who haven't seen a dog with dreadlocks... There might just be a tiny element of cuteness about 'im.
The point I'm making is that we're trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
I mean, he's no Barney, but he's alright.
So why is it, then, that we spend so much time trying to get people to do things they should just be doin'?
Let me explain in a bit more detail. We all use other people because they're better at what they do than we are. All we can do is tell them what we want and rely on them to tell us how to do it. No, that's wrong... they should tell us how they're going to do it for us.
Take our new shop... (we're not there yet with the lease, thanks for asking and it's proving more difficult than we thought - the windows are rotten!).
Anyway... take our new shop. We (when I say 'we' I, of course mean me daft humans) use VoIP 'phones and when Richard (the dafter of the two) rang up the provider and asked them what he needed to do to get new 'phones they said to him (almost word for word):
Them: Depends what you want really...
Rich: Errr... well, new 'phones... you know. Answered on the same number - 0131 202 9888 - as the Corstorphine office and able to be transferred between the shops...
Them: Well, you probably need to go for fibre and then all you need to do is get an ATA box, install a business grade router, set up your hunt groups and auto messaging service and sort out your ring circuit. The all you need to do is plug in your 'phone!
All you need to do? All you need to do?
Who are they kidding? Just tell me if it's possible and then sort it for me! There's no need for all the splaff about boxes and rings and things I need to do.
Personally, I don't see why you humans need 'phones. Just smell someone's wee and you'll find out everything you need to know.
It's not like it's sour grapes or nuffing... I mean it's not like he's better looking than me; he ain't. It's not like he's cuter than me... that would just be impossible! And it ain't like he can run faster than me.
Well, he might be able to run faster than me, but pound for pound I'm faster than him.
(I have a lot of fur to cart around with me.)
Anyway, being all gracious, I suppose from some angles Ted ain't a bad looking woofer and his curly fur might be attractive to some people who haven't seen a dog with dreadlocks... There might just be a tiny element of cuteness about 'im.
The point I'm making is that we're trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
I mean, he's no Barney, but he's alright.
So why is it, then, that we spend so much time trying to get people to do things they should just be doin'?
Let me explain in a bit more detail. We all use other people because they're better at what they do than we are. All we can do is tell them what we want and rely on them to tell us how to do it. No, that's wrong... they should tell us how they're going to do it for us.
Take our new shop... (we're not there yet with the lease, thanks for asking and it's proving more difficult than we thought - the windows are rotten!).
Anyway... take our new shop. We (when I say 'we' I, of course mean me daft humans) use VoIP 'phones and when Richard (the dafter of the two) rang up the provider and asked them what he needed to do to get new 'phones they said to him (almost word for word):
Them: Depends what you want really...
Rich: Errr... well, new 'phones... you know. Answered on the same number - 0131 202 9888 - as the Corstorphine office and able to be transferred between the shops...
Them: Well, you probably need to go for fibre and then all you need to do is get an ATA box, install a business grade router, set up your hunt groups and auto messaging service and sort out your ring circuit. The all you need to do is plug in your 'phone!
All you need to do? All you need to do?
Who are they kidding? Just tell me if it's possible and then sort it for me! There's no need for all the splaff about boxes and rings and things I need to do.
Personally, I don't see why you humans need 'phones. Just smell someone's wee and you'll find out everything you need to know.
Friday, 3 May 2013
I'm not meself
I've not been feeling meself over the past few days... in fact, you could say I've been feeling a little Ruff!
Oh, what a wag I am!
Oh, there's another one. I just can't stop meself. It's joke after joke... I've got thousands of 'em and everyone a gem.
But in all seriousness I'm barking up the wrong tree... sorry.
In all seriousness I do have a dilemma I need to sort out. Somehow I have to make meself into 2 woofers. You see, me humans have only gone and found themselves a second shop location for the TaxAssist business.
Okay, the lease ain't quite signed yet, but it's all agreed and it looks like things are goin' ahead.
'So, what's the dilemma, Barney Boy?' I hear you cry... well maybe you weren't but in me head you were, okay?
Well, let me tell you a little story about when I was walking me human, Richard, to work the other day. We were walking passed (not in, I'm disappointed to say) Union Park in Saughton. There were two school children coming the other way with their mums'. Out of the blue both children pipes up at the same time:
'Hello, Barney... have a good day in the office!'
Richard was flabbergasted. Not a word to 'im but what did he expect. I'm the face of TaxAssist in Corstorphine and a right celeb, too.
Now, finally, to the dilemma...
How am I goin' to cut meself in two to cover the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge?
I mean, if it's going to be successful it has have me as the poster boy. Renee is talking about a sort of time share and Richard mentioned getting another woofer, a kind mini me.
Well, no way, no how, not ever... In that order.
So, I have a question for you. How do I, Barney, the Face of TaxAssist Accountants split me time between shops in Corstorphine and Stockbridge?
Answers to the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl
or as comments to this blog.
Cheers mateys.
See you next time.
Oh, what a wag I am!
Oh, there's another one. I just can't stop meself. It's joke after joke... I've got thousands of 'em and everyone a gem.
But in all seriousness I'm barking up the wrong tree... sorry.
In all seriousness I do have a dilemma I need to sort out. Somehow I have to make meself into 2 woofers. You see, me humans have only gone and found themselves a second shop location for the TaxAssist business.
Okay, the lease ain't quite signed yet, but it's all agreed and it looks like things are goin' ahead.
'So, what's the dilemma, Barney Boy?' I hear you cry... well maybe you weren't but in me head you were, okay?
Well, let me tell you a little story about when I was walking me human, Richard, to work the other day. We were walking passed (not in, I'm disappointed to say) Union Park in Saughton. There were two school children coming the other way with their mums'. Out of the blue both children pipes up at the same time:
'Hello, Barney... have a good day in the office!'
Richard was flabbergasted. Not a word to 'im but what did he expect. I'm the face of TaxAssist in Corstorphine and a right celeb, too.
Now, finally, to the dilemma...
How am I goin' to cut meself in two to cover the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge?
I mean, if it's going to be successful it has have me as the poster boy. Renee is talking about a sort of time share and Richard mentioned getting another woofer, a kind mini me.
Well, no way, no how, not ever... In that order.
So, I have a question for you. How do I, Barney, the Face of TaxAssist Accountants split me time between shops in Corstorphine and Stockbridge?
Answers to the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl
or as comments to this blog.
Cheers mateys.
See you next time.
Monday, 8 April 2013
Everything you wanted to know about pensions but were too bored to ask
No, don't look at me like that.
I can see your eyes drooping and can almost feel the pressure of your finger on the mouse as you decide to click away from me...
Don't go.
It's really very interesting.
Pensions...
Okay, perhaps not the most auspicious of starts to a blog but me and my team had a meeting this morning about our new pension scheme.
You see, it's time to start thinking about pensions again and Auto Enrolment is coming.
No, I didn't know what it was either but there's new legislation coming which says that by 2017 every employer is going to have to provide a workplace pension and contribute a minimum of 3% of salary.
Hmmm...
Me human, Renee employs 8 people (Although it's my team really. After all I boss them about and get them to give me biscuits) and thought she'd get ahead of the game by creating her workplace pension scheme now, rather than waiting for when small businesses have to join in by law.
So, we had a meeting this morning and I've given my permission to start our scheme off with 2% of salary contributions which means employees don't have to contribute anything if they don't want to (although it would be sensible if they did). We can increase our employers contributions over time.
My team will get the benefit of a pension starting early enough to make a difference and the business gets used to making these contributions, which we're going to make pretty soon in any case.
Now, here's the bit where I get outraged (again). Like I said, this is my team, I run it and I'm part of it but I can't have a pension because... wait for it, you're going to be as outraged as me...
I'M A DOG.
I think that's a blatantly furrist attitude. Just because I've got a tail and get around in the most sensible way (i.e. on four legs rather than the ridiculous two you humans use) apparently I can't get a pension. And I was prepared to put in 4% of me own salary to build me pension pot.
My 4% would have been in the form of doggy biscuits and dental sticks right enough but no discrimination against woofers is what I say.
Anyway, when I put me fur back on and calmed down I had a little reflection to meself. The lady who's putting this scheme together for us gave us some interesting stats:
Sorry, Dickie boy, I know you didn't want me to mention it but then you failed to give me extra chicken last night!
Anyway, if you're interested in sorting out a workplace pension so you're ahead of the game too, give Renee a shout.
reneemackay@taxassist.co.uk or have a look at www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine
Could be useful.
P.S. I realise this blog was a bit more serious than usual... normal service will be resumed next week. B
I can see your eyes drooping and can almost feel the pressure of your finger on the mouse as you decide to click away from me...
Don't go.
It's really very interesting.
Pensions...
Okay, perhaps not the most auspicious of starts to a blog but me and my team had a meeting this morning about our new pension scheme.
You see, it's time to start thinking about pensions again and Auto Enrolment is coming.
No, I didn't know what it was either but there's new legislation coming which says that by 2017 every employer is going to have to provide a workplace pension and contribute a minimum of 3% of salary.
Hmmm...
Me human, Renee employs 8 people (Although it's my team really. After all I boss them about and get them to give me biscuits) and thought she'd get ahead of the game by creating her workplace pension scheme now, rather than waiting for when small businesses have to join in by law.
So, we had a meeting this morning and I've given my permission to start our scheme off with 2% of salary contributions which means employees don't have to contribute anything if they don't want to (although it would be sensible if they did). We can increase our employers contributions over time.
My team will get the benefit of a pension starting early enough to make a difference and the business gets used to making these contributions, which we're going to make pretty soon in any case.
Now, here's the bit where I get outraged (again). Like I said, this is my team, I run it and I'm part of it but I can't have a pension because... wait for it, you're going to be as outraged as me...
I'M A DOG.
I think that's a blatantly furrist attitude. Just because I've got a tail and get around in the most sensible way (i.e. on four legs rather than the ridiculous two you humans use) apparently I can't get a pension. And I was prepared to put in 4% of me own salary to build me pension pot.
My 4% would have been in the form of doggy biscuits and dental sticks right enough but no discrimination against woofers is what I say.
Anyway, when I put me fur back on and calmed down I had a little reflection to meself. The lady who's putting this scheme together for us gave us some interesting stats:
- Anyone aged 21 today will retire when they're 75
- Anyone born today will retire when they're 80
Sorry, Dickie boy, I know you didn't want me to mention it but then you failed to give me extra chicken last night!
Anyway, if you're interested in sorting out a workplace pension so you're ahead of the game too, give Renee a shout.
reneemackay@taxassist.co.uk or have a look at www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine
Could be useful.
P.S. I realise this blog was a bit more serious than usual... normal service will be resumed next week. B
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Crowded
Growing a business is fun...
Seems like a lot of hard work to me. I'd rather chase a wet stick around a muddy park all day but there you go, there's no accounting for taste in you humans.
So let me correct meself. According to me human Renee, growing a business is fun. And I have to admit, she's very good at it. In three short years she's built her business from zero to... well I don't know how many off paw, but it's a lot of clients.
That's pretty good going and she still manages to take me for me walks of a morning, lunch time and evening, which I very much appreciate.
The thing is though, growing a business is fun, but it ain't without the occasional challenge.
Take our office for instance. A very nice office it is, light, airy and pretty efficient, too. The fact that the two front windows act like an oven when the sun shines on them and heat the place up like a microwave is neither here nor there. Doesn't effect me much, but then I usually have a nap in the pm... which is a much under-rated pass time by you humans.
Anyway, our office. There are six desks. Great. There are also six people working here, too. Brilliant! Ah, but there's Renee and me other human Richard, as well. It gets mighty crowded when they're all in the office together. I mean I hardly have room to stretch out and a friendly swish of me tail can cause havoc.
So, what's to be done?
Well, Renee could stop recruiting new clients. Hmmm... the words snowball and hell spring to mind. We get two people sat sitting at each desk. Nope, not really an option, either, they'd be friendly but it would be none too efficient.
Or we could find a second place! Do you know I really think I've hit on a master plan. Sometimes me genius astounds even meself.
Now, Renee will tell you she's been looking for a new place for a while and that may be the case. But now I'm on the case. If any of you lovely people out there in Small Business World know of a retail property for rent or sale in Stockbridge, Edinburgh (about 700 - 100 square feet) jump on Facebook Tax Assist West Edinburgh (http://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl) and let Renee know...
But be sure to tell her it's because of me. I'm sure to get an extra slice of chicken for me tea.
Seems like a lot of hard work to me. I'd rather chase a wet stick around a muddy park all day but there you go, there's no accounting for taste in you humans.
So let me correct meself. According to me human Renee, growing a business is fun. And I have to admit, she's very good at it. In three short years she's built her business from zero to... well I don't know how many off paw, but it's a lot of clients.
That's pretty good going and she still manages to take me for me walks of a morning, lunch time and evening, which I very much appreciate.
The thing is though, growing a business is fun, but it ain't without the occasional challenge.
Take our office for instance. A very nice office it is, light, airy and pretty efficient, too. The fact that the two front windows act like an oven when the sun shines on them and heat the place up like a microwave is neither here nor there. Doesn't effect me much, but then I usually have a nap in the pm... which is a much under-rated pass time by you humans.
Anyway, our office. There are six desks. Great. There are also six people working here, too. Brilliant! Ah, but there's Renee and me other human Richard, as well. It gets mighty crowded when they're all in the office together. I mean I hardly have room to stretch out and a friendly swish of me tail can cause havoc.
So, what's to be done?
Well, Renee could stop recruiting new clients. Hmmm... the words snowball and hell spring to mind. We get two people sat sitting at each desk. Nope, not really an option, either, they'd be friendly but it would be none too efficient.
Or we could find a second place! Do you know I really think I've hit on a master plan. Sometimes me genius astounds even meself.
Now, Renee will tell you she's been looking for a new place for a while and that may be the case. But now I'm on the case. If any of you lovely people out there in Small Business World know of a retail property for rent or sale in Stockbridge, Edinburgh (about 700 - 100 square feet) jump on Facebook Tax Assist West Edinburgh (http://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl) and let Renee know...
But be sure to tell her it's because of me. I'm sure to get an extra slice of chicken for me tea.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
I'm Outraged... as usual
Oy oy me old muckers. I'm back; after quite an absence I'm blogging again.
I blame me human Richard. You see I don't do the actual typing meself... I have a servant (Richard) to do it for me. You never know what you might catch from an unsanitised keyboard... especially after he's been tickling the keys.
Anyway, I was inspired to write (well, dictate) because when I tried to get on the bus the other day me human was charged £1.50. Yes! £1.50. Not £1.40. £1.50.
The fares on Lothian Buses went up to £1.50 on 24th March and I found myself outraged.
(I neatly sidestepped the fact that, as a woofer, I don't actually pay. I thought to meself: why spoil a good story by being troubled with the facts?)
Anyway, we got away with it because Renee had an extra 10p in the depths of her pockets. There'd have been no chance if it had been Richard, who doesn't carry your actual cash.
So, there I was with me fur bristling and a growl deep in me throat. I can't say too many people were terribly scared, in fact, most of them were laughing at me. Nevertheless, outraged I was. How dare they put up the fare by 10p? I suppose it was because they need money to pay for the trams.
And that set me off in another direction. The trams! What on Earth is going on there? What with pictures of politicians all smiling and happy on the first test run... which seemed to me to be about 100 yards along one tiny section of track. Big deal.
And then the price of a first class stamp! 60p? 60p! For delivering a tiny piece of paper anywhere in the UK. It's outrageous. I was outraged.
But then I got to thinking. What was I complaining about? All of these things still represent the bargain of the century.
Think about it this way: let's just see how far you get on your £1.50 taxi ride. You can imagine it can't you. 'Take me into town as far as £1.50 will go.'
I think you'll find you have a fairly short journey.
And then 60p for a stamp. To anywhere! Try delivering that yourself for the same price.
So, I've decided only to outraged at certain things (like a lack of biscuits) and I'm going to try and recognise value for money where I see it.
Speaking of which, you can always try www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine for real value for money.
See what I did there?
I blame me human Richard. You see I don't do the actual typing meself... I have a servant (Richard) to do it for me. You never know what you might catch from an unsanitised keyboard... especially after he's been tickling the keys.
Anyway, I was inspired to write (well, dictate) because when I tried to get on the bus the other day me human was charged £1.50. Yes! £1.50. Not £1.40. £1.50.
The fares on Lothian Buses went up to £1.50 on 24th March and I found myself outraged.
(I neatly sidestepped the fact that, as a woofer, I don't actually pay. I thought to meself: why spoil a good story by being troubled with the facts?)
Anyway, we got away with it because Renee had an extra 10p in the depths of her pockets. There'd have been no chance if it had been Richard, who doesn't carry your actual cash.
So, there I was with me fur bristling and a growl deep in me throat. I can't say too many people were terribly scared, in fact, most of them were laughing at me. Nevertheless, outraged I was. How dare they put up the fare by 10p? I suppose it was because they need money to pay for the trams.
And that set me off in another direction. The trams! What on Earth is going on there? What with pictures of politicians all smiling and happy on the first test run... which seemed to me to be about 100 yards along one tiny section of track. Big deal.
And then the price of a first class stamp! 60p? 60p! For delivering a tiny piece of paper anywhere in the UK. It's outrageous. I was outraged.
But then I got to thinking. What was I complaining about? All of these things still represent the bargain of the century.
Think about it this way: let's just see how far you get on your £1.50 taxi ride. You can imagine it can't you. 'Take me into town as far as £1.50 will go.'
I think you'll find you have a fairly short journey.
And then 60p for a stamp. To anywhere! Try delivering that yourself for the same price.
So, I've decided only to outraged at certain things (like a lack of biscuits) and I'm going to try and recognise value for money where I see it.
Speaking of which, you can always try www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine for real value for money.
See what I did there?
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Checking my emails
Oy oy me old muckers... how's tricks?
I always take me humans for a nice long walk on a Saturday... usually Braid Valley Park (in the river), through the Hermitage of Braid (in the river), across the observatory through Grange and down to Holyrood where I swim in the conveniently placed doggy swimming pools, where I usually get me picture taken by my adoring fans... or tourists to you.
Oh, the things I do for the Edinburgh tourist industry.
Now, I have to say, me humans sometimes get the hump with me 'cos the journey takes a bit longer than it should.
That's because I have to check me emails on the way round. It's not my fault they misinterpret this as sniffing lamposts, wheelie bins, other bins, walls, gate posts, sometimes people, columns, park benches, rocks and railings.
But if some dog has been good enough to leave a message then it's the very least I can do to read it and then reply, although I have to say that replying at the end of the walk when I can only squeeze out a few drops is more difficult than at the start when me bladder is full.
Anyway, I can't see what they get so annoyed about. I often hear me human Renee saying to me other human 'what are you doing now?'
The reply might be a variety of things: 'texting me mates' or 'checking me emails' or 'responding to an email from...' or 'reading the news.
I mean, that's not annoying is it?
And then it happens in reverse and Renee is on her 'phone looking at Facebook or Twitter and it's Richard's turn to ask what she's up to.
How often, you important people out there, are you in a meeting and someone has put their 'phone on silent but haven't switched off the vibrate? Now that's annoying. Do you ever do it to anyone else? Get half way through a nice chat and then start looking at your 'phone?
No?
Not sure I believe you and I'm certainly going to keep checking my messages!
I always take me humans for a nice long walk on a Saturday... usually Braid Valley Park (in the river), through the Hermitage of Braid (in the river), across the observatory through Grange and down to Holyrood where I swim in the conveniently placed doggy swimming pools, where I usually get me picture taken by my adoring fans... or tourists to you.
Oh, the things I do for the Edinburgh tourist industry.
Now, I have to say, me humans sometimes get the hump with me 'cos the journey takes a bit longer than it should.
That's because I have to check me emails on the way round. It's not my fault they misinterpret this as sniffing lamposts, wheelie bins, other bins, walls, gate posts, sometimes people, columns, park benches, rocks and railings.
But if some dog has been good enough to leave a message then it's the very least I can do to read it and then reply, although I have to say that replying at the end of the walk when I can only squeeze out a few drops is more difficult than at the start when me bladder is full.
Anyway, I can't see what they get so annoyed about. I often hear me human Renee saying to me other human 'what are you doing now?'
The reply might be a variety of things: 'texting me mates' or 'checking me emails' or 'responding to an email from...' or 'reading the news.
I mean, that's not annoying is it?
And then it happens in reverse and Renee is on her 'phone looking at Facebook or Twitter and it's Richard's turn to ask what she's up to.
How often, you important people out there, are you in a meeting and someone has put their 'phone on silent but haven't switched off the vibrate? Now that's annoying. Do you ever do it to anyone else? Get half way through a nice chat and then start looking at your 'phone?
No?
Not sure I believe you and I'm certainly going to keep checking my messages!
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