Almost Christmas

I don't know about you but I'm sufferin'(yes, sufferin') from a dichotomy of feelings about the festive season.

On the one hand Nic'la from the office is so excited it's become infectious.

In fact, she loves Christmas so much Uncle Dick put her in charge of decorations and the general ambience in the ol' place throughout December.

Of course, her first question was: 'How much can I spend?'

'Oh, I was thinking about £100 on decorations,' says Dickie Boy.

The next thing he knows Nic'la has sent him a link to a specialist Christmas Tree website requesting that he purchase an 8 foot pine effect Christmas Tree... for £116.99.

'But, but, but...' splutters Dick.  'That's over your budget!'

'No, no, no,' responds Nic'la.  You said I could have £100 on decorations.  The tree is not part of the decorations; the decorations hang on the tree.'

There was no escaping the logic so Dick orders the tree.  But he gets his own back a bit.  He's ordered the tree to turn up at Nic'la's home.  She lives in Dunbar and gets the train into work every day!

So, we're well and truly in the build up to Christmas in the office which is good.  I feel quite festive.

But the other side of my particular dichotomy is that it's so bloomin' warm.  And I'm wearing a fur coat in case you hadn't noticed.

Not that that's possible, of course... not noticing me and my magnificent pelt.

A couple of weeks ago I overheard Renee telling Dick Numpty that it was going to be a long, hard and cold winter.  With snow, ice and freezing conditions from start to finish.

And that would have been fine.  I don't mind that... you kind of expect it living up here in the wilds of the North.  And it's only right and proper over Christmas... log fires, long walks and all that.

But this warmth.

It just ain't right.

The leaves aren't off the trees yet and Dick Dumbo is too hot in his human coat when we walk to work in the mornings.

In short - I'm confused and I don't like it.

Dick tried to make a business simile from my misery which I think is just a little self indulgent and quite a lot of a liberty.

He reckons that if your customers don't know what to expect they'll get the hump like what I've got.

The problem is, like me, they have expectations whether you set those expectations or not.  I expect winter to be cold and I already feel short changed.  Why do I expect winter to be cold?  Because it has been in previous years, of course.

So, if your customers have received one level of service, they'll expect it again... unless you actually tell 'em things have changed.  They'll have expectations based on what's happened in the past.

So, to make sure your customers' expectations actually match what you can deliver you have to tell 'em.  And then tell 'em again what you're going to do.  And then you go out and beat those expectations so your customers are really happy.  There you are... Barney's Business Advice.

More importantly, though, I would give real money to see Nic'la on the train from Dunbar with an 8 foot real effect pine tree under her arm.

Uncle Dick

Now I have to say I quite often write about me human Dickie Boy and I'm often quite disparaging (yes, disparaging) about him.

He's a nice enough old cove if a bit of a muppet from time to time.

But me other human, Renee does insist on calling him Barney's Dad... at which point Dick always says 'I'm not his Dad, I'm his master!'

As if!

In that sentence the Dickster has actually managed to excel himself by being at least 50% right.

He is correct in saying that he's not me Dad and I'm quite relieved about it.  I mean, he's got no fur to speak of (apart from a light covering on his chest), he's only got two legs, no tail, his nose ain't wet, his tongue doesn't loll (except sometimes after about 10.30 on a Friday night after a particularly hard week), he doesn't sleep enough, doesn't like throwing things for me very much, eats with a knife and fork and not straight from a bowl and doesn't appreciate it when I get amorous wiv his right leg.  (It's always his right leg and never his left.  Why's that I wonder?)

I mean - who'd want that as a Dad?

Sadly the other 50% of his statement wasn't so accurate.  I can't really see how he can say he's my master.  Do I come when he calls?  Only when I want to...  Do I lay down, roll over and play dead at his command?  No...  Does he feed me when I look at him?  Yes.

So how's that him being my master?

The thing about is Nicola from the office (Pronounced Nickla) has joined in on the act.

She's worked with Renee and Dickie Doo Dah for nearly two years and today she pipes up that for the first time she's started thinking of Dick as Uncle Richard!

Now, I'm not sure if this accurate or not.  She is actually Renee's niece, so does that make her Richard's niece, too?  Niece-in-Law maybe?  I dunno.

The thing is, she's started addressing emails to Dick Dastardly as Dear Uncle Richard.

Just a little thing that's driving him nuts... and therefore I'm all for it.

I guess the bottom lie to all this, when I actually think about it is that I'm quite happy to let Dick think he's my master (when everybody in the world knows that it's the other way around) just as long as he keeps putting me food out and he scratches me essentials every so often.

I suppose that's the nature of relationships... he gives me something and I give him something in return.

Renee talks about relationships and whether they are in debit or credit.  They are a bit like a human bank account.  Sometimes you have to pay in to a relationship and other times you take something from it... but you can't do both all the time, it just doesn't work.

Of course, my relationships are always in credit... I allow people to stroke me and that's it - deposit made!