Well, 2013 is drawing to a close.
Will we look back on the year with pleasure or with a sense of relief that it's all over?
Probably, as with all years, a bit of both.
But, however, you remember 2013 it was certainly a year which gave us plenty to talk about: funny, sad, outrageous and downright inspirational. When I was looking back at some of the events of the year I was surprised that some of them were only in 2013 (I thought they were much longer ago) and other happenings which I remembered and Googled were 3 years ago!
So let's remember some of the things that happened last year.
There was a British (yes, British) winner at Wimbledon - the first for 7 decades and, generally it was a really good year for British sport, if you disregard the recent Ashes series.
We lost a few famous people during the year: Margaret Thatcher, Richard Briers, Michael Winner, David Frost, Peter O'Toole and, of course, Nelson Mandela.
We also gained a new member of the Royal Family.
There were bombings in Boston and Northern Ireland is getting fractious again. In the Far East, there were threats from North Korea... have you seen the video with The White House in cross hairs? It's very funny.
There were scandals about the use of the word 'Pleb' (haven't they got anything better to argue about?) More importantly, the energy companies and the hike in charges they imposed. Although, overall, politics and politicians were very bland.
The economic recovery is well underway and, according to the BBC Britain will be Europe's largest economy by 2030 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25519110
The weather has caused massive issues both here and abroad. Remember the devastating cyclones that hit the Philippines and Bangladesh... whilst Australia experienced the hottest January on record. In the UK we had a fabulous summer but seem to be paying for it with wild Atlantic storms.
2013 seems determined to leave with a roar.
So, what about 2014..?
Wow: there's so much to think about.
Sports wise: there's a World Cup (probably) in Brazil. Closer to home, the Commonwealth Games are in Glasgow. And let's not forget the Winter Olympics kicking off in Sochi, in just a few weeks.
There's a massive shake up in Formula 1 with the old 2.4 litre engines being replaced with 1.6 litre Power Trains that make much more use of technology to get more power whilst using much smaller amounts of fuel. Does that mean Formula 1 is more than just a spectacles and is useful in terms of researcher for everyday motorists?
In Economics the recovery should really kick in and we should see a huge return in business confidence. Private businesses should finally take up the slack in terms of jobs, compensating for those lost from the public sector. It will very likely be SMEs - you and I - who become the real force in the employment market.
However, there are likely to be some 'issues' with big business with more outrage about fees, costs and expenses being passed on to the everyday punter. Just remember the vast sums of money being raised by councils from parking fines.
But it's political events, or rather, one political event that is going to define 2014 for the UK and, potentially the next few hundred years for us in Scotland. The Referendum on Thursday 18th September could either herald massive change, upheaval and a new chapter in Scottish history...
Or...
It could just be talked about for a week on the news before fading from memory.
But, even more important than the referendum... we may get a tram moving in the centre of Edinburgh... with passengers!
Unlikely, I know, but there we go.
All in all, then, there's a lot to look forward to in 2014. As always, though, it's the events that hit us from 'left field' that we're probably going to be talking about this time next year.
Friday 27 December 2013
Monday 16 December 2013
A Christmas Joke
Happy festives to you me hearties.
This week I thought I'd mark me return to the blogsphere with a little Christmas Joke for you:
Two peasants were walking along the street in communist Russia many years ago.
They were only half way home when it started to sleet.
Mrs Nureyev held out her hand and looked at her husband. 'Ah... it is a terrible thing that it has started to snow, da?'
Mr Nureyev looked at his wife as though a stoat had just grown out of her left ear. 'You foolish woman,' says he. 'This is not snow, it is rain.'
At this point a full domestic row ensued, almost coming to blows.
But suddenly, round the corner came a well known figure: a prominent member of the Communist Party and an important man in the town.
Mr Nureyev leans over to his wife and says, 'Let's ask the Party for a ruling in this matter.' To which the Mrs agrees.
'Excuse me Comrade Rudolph,' begins the now slightly damp peasant.
'Yes, what is it?' Barks the Party member.
'Ah, my wife and I were having a little disagreement about whether it was snowing or raining and we thought the Party might be able to give us an official ruling to clear up the matter once and for all.'
Comrade Rudolph looks at the couple and sniffs before holding out his hand to gauge the sleet that was still falling.
'It is rain!' He declares and stalks off into the night.
'You see,' says Mr Nureyev, turning triumphantly to his wife before announcing, 'Rudolph the red knows rain dear!'
Happy Christmas darling ones and I'll be back with another Christmas cracker in a week or so!
Wednesday 27 November 2013
Latest economic Indicator: Dog Grooming
It's fair to say that I have a little trouble wiv me fur... mostly at both ends but sometimes in the middle, too!
Let me explain:
Me fur is gorgeous. It's wavy, soft and I love me dreadlocks. Although, I have to say I caught Richard raising his eyebrows at one of me admirers last week when they asked Renee how long it took her to braid me hair int he mornings.
In fact, as a dog, I'm so utterly perfect that me humans need do nothing to me, beyond a little trim up every so often.
Even when I take me humans for a walk through the muddier areas of Edinburgh there's no issue. We get home and I have a little nap. The muck dries whilst I'm asleep and when I get up it all drops off me. There's usually a Barney shape left on the floor, marked out in grit, Renee gets the vacuum out and it's gone.
Simples.
Someone else may have used that line already.
Anyway... me fur was getting a bit long and I've had to have a couple of trim ups (as previously reported) because me fur flops in me eyes and causes issues around me nether regions... usually in the form of clinkers.
But, fans, I'm delighted to report that I'm all ship shape and Bristol fashion at the moment with no fur related issues to report.
Me recent trips to the dog grooming parlour have got me thinking, too. You see, I saw a whopping great brand new van this morning that said 'Mobile Dog Grooming Studio' on it. Then I saw another one (also brand new) and then someone came into the shop to set up a new canine cuttery business and so it goes on.
I'm certain there are more people setting up Pooch parlours than ever before (probably all hoping to have a shot at me). Then by the powers of doggy deduction I've worked out that other businesses must be starting up as well and therefore the economy is on its way up.
Forget Mark Carney (Governor, Bank of England), just come to me, Barney Doodle (Governor, Bank of Dogs) and I'll tell you what's what.
In other news the new shop is progressing nicely and we'll probably be moving about the 12th December.
No pressure then.
Wednesday 13 November 2013
Have a Goal
I have many opinions and ideas about business - all of them correct... at least from a dog's point of view.
And people are beginning to catch on. Just look at O2's new advertising campaign. 'Be More Dog'! I bet they got that from me.
Anyway, I'm about to give you the benefit of my infinite doggy wisdom and, if you follow my wisdom, success is guaranteed. Errrr... I may have over egged the pudding with that last comment, but only a little bit.
Thinking about that I was allowing me humans to watch a film the other night and it had a brilliant line in it: 'Everything will be all right in the end and if things aren't alright, then it isn't the end!'
Brilliant.
Anyway, I was thinking about the effect of having a goal on people and I remember a time we was out with Richard's puppy, Adam.
It was a while ago when Adam was a bit younger. It was a hot summer's day and we were out for a bike ride with Adam and his older sister Katie. Well, they were out for a bike ride, I was running. I can't ride.
I'm a dog.
Katie had ridden ahead and was a few hundred yards (sorry, metres) up the road when all of a sudden Adam just stopped. 'I can't go any further,' says he, 'My legs ache and I'm too hot.'
Richard stopped, too, wondering what he could do to get Adam to move and thinking it was a long walk home carrying 2 bikes and an 8 year old boy.
'Come on, mate,' says Richard, 'Let's crack on.'
'No, I'm not moving!'
Then Richard had a brain wave.
'I tell you what, let's get to Katie as quickly as we can and then we'll have an ice cream.'
Adam was back on his bike and peddling like mad before Richard could spell k-n-a-c-k-e-r-e-d.
So, let's examine the facts. Adam, who a moment before couldn't go another yard (sorry, metre) on his bike because he was so tired was now peddling like mad to get to his sister who was waiting outside a row of shops.
What had changed?
Not Adam... not the distance to be travelled... not even the weather.
It was simply that he had a goal to aim for, something to achieve with a reward at the end of it... and that's the effect of having a target to shoot for.
Although it pains me to say it, me humans are pretty good at that sort of thing. They have a long term goal in mind and then everything they do ties in to that goal.
So my piece of advice to you, me dedicated fans, is to set some goals, give yourself something to strive for and then go for it. It's almost irrelevant whether you make it or not - simply having the goal, as long as it's stretching enough, will mean that your performance will improve.
Go forth and set targets...
And people are beginning to catch on. Just look at O2's new advertising campaign. 'Be More Dog'! I bet they got that from me.
Anyway, I'm about to give you the benefit of my infinite doggy wisdom and, if you follow my wisdom, success is guaranteed. Errrr... I may have over egged the pudding with that last comment, but only a little bit.
Thinking about that I was allowing me humans to watch a film the other night and it had a brilliant line in it: 'Everything will be all right in the end and if things aren't alright, then it isn't the end!'
Brilliant.
Anyway, I was thinking about the effect of having a goal on people and I remember a time we was out with Richard's puppy, Adam.
It was a while ago when Adam was a bit younger. It was a hot summer's day and we were out for a bike ride with Adam and his older sister Katie. Well, they were out for a bike ride, I was running. I can't ride.
I'm a dog.
Katie had ridden ahead and was a few hundred yards (sorry, metres) up the road when all of a sudden Adam just stopped. 'I can't go any further,' says he, 'My legs ache and I'm too hot.'
Richard stopped, too, wondering what he could do to get Adam to move and thinking it was a long walk home carrying 2 bikes and an 8 year old boy.
'Come on, mate,' says Richard, 'Let's crack on.'
'No, I'm not moving!'
Then Richard had a brain wave.
'I tell you what, let's get to Katie as quickly as we can and then we'll have an ice cream.'
Adam was back on his bike and peddling like mad before Richard could spell k-n-a-c-k-e-r-e-d.
So, let's examine the facts. Adam, who a moment before couldn't go another yard (sorry, metre) on his bike because he was so tired was now peddling like mad to get to his sister who was waiting outside a row of shops.
What had changed?
Not Adam... not the distance to be travelled... not even the weather.
It was simply that he had a goal to aim for, something to achieve with a reward at the end of it... and that's the effect of having a target to shoot for.
Although it pains me to say it, me humans are pretty good at that sort of thing. They have a long term goal in mind and then everything they do ties in to that goal.
So my piece of advice to you, me dedicated fans, is to set some goals, give yourself something to strive for and then go for it. It's almost irrelevant whether you make it or not - simply having the goal, as long as it's stretching enough, will mean that your performance will improve.
Go forth and set targets...
Wednesday 30 October 2013
My nether regions
Hello, me hearties...
The clocks have gone back which, to my mind, means that it gets late early, if you see what I mean.
The weather is finally cooling down, the wind is blowing and the rain is falling... which is why it baffles me that me humans decided to get me a haircut now, just when I could really do with keeping me golden locks.
In fairness they have been trying to get me a shearing for a while without much success. The lady who used to do me (so to speak) is having a break 'cos she's not been very well and another guy took one look at me dreads, shook his head and said, 'Sorry, I dursn't touch them!' And left pretty smartish.
Eventually, though, me human Renee got a recommendation from a lady down the pub, she rang the place and Richard delivered me yesterday afternoon to get a trim.
He was given fairly strict instructions by Renee about what he had to say:
The clocks have gone back which, to my mind, means that it gets late early, if you see what I mean.
The weather is finally cooling down, the wind is blowing and the rain is falling... which is why it baffles me that me humans decided to get me a haircut now, just when I could really do with keeping me golden locks.
In fairness they have been trying to get me a shearing for a while without much success. The lady who used to do me (so to speak) is having a break 'cos she's not been very well and another guy took one look at me dreads, shook his head and said, 'Sorry, I dursn't touch them!' And left pretty smartish.
Eventually, though, me human Renee got a recommendation from a lady down the pub, she rang the place and Richard delivered me yesterday afternoon to get a trim.
He was given fairly strict instructions by Renee about what he had to say:
- A good trim
- But not too much off
- Don't brush
- Use scissors, not clippers
- Tidy up face (the cheek of it)
- Trim in belly area
- Sort out the extra furry bits around me nether regions so clinkers don't form
Well, the bloke was as good as his word (and clearly terrified of making a mistake) because he left me pretty shaggy... which is nice.
Except around me gentleman's area.
I got a good shave around me bum and balls and me gentleman sausage too.
The problem is, I'm now aware of it 'cos I can feel a breeze and have the constant desire to... erm... shall we say 'tidy it up' at regular intervals.
I just know Richard is praying for someone to make the appropriate comment when I'm sitting in the middle of the floor with one leg behind me ear and me nose buried down below; you know the one:
'Oooh! I wish I could do that!'
To which, of course, the only acceptable response is (altogether now): 'Give him a bone and he might let you!'
Boom Boom.
Anyway, my haircut wasn't too drastic so I'm still able to keep relatively warm.
So, on to the shop. Things continue to move: the lease is going backwards and forwards between solicitors, quotes are coming in thick and fast, the architect is almost finished and we're starting the process of getting 'sharers' - people who are going to rent desks from us: if you know of anyone who is looking for a desk, point them in my direction.
In fact, the only thing that's holding us up is Planning Permission which should be through in a couple of weeks... so watch this space 'cos there's a big party coming!
You can keep up to date with progress on the move by Liking our Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh) or follow us on Twitter (@ReneeMackay)
Wednesday 23 October 2013
Big things from little things
It strikes me as funny how you humans make big things from little things and vice versa.
I was thinking about this after encountering me new friend Denzil. I have included a picture to show you why big vs little was suddenly at the forefront of me mind:
Let me explain what I mean...
Me human, Richard, once made a screw up at work, when he was still employed that was. It wasn't a big screw up, just a little thing.
He ordered some training manuals in an old version and had to re-order some more. All told the problem cost his company (a bank as it happens) about a hundred quid or so.
The thing was darling Dickie boy had to go through a procurement process even for this amount of money and, because he screwed up, he had to tell his boss that he needed another purchase order and why.
Blimey, did he worry about it... a got a knot in the pit of his stomach, couldn't sleep and really worried about things for days.
Finally, he screwed up the courage to tell his boss what he'd done. And do you know what his boss said?
Yep, on this occasion you are quite correct...
'Thanks for telling me, no problem.'
Not only did he feel massive relief he also felt like a right muppet and was very angry with himself for not having the balls to confront things earlier. (That's a doggy expression by the way and nothing to do with what you're thinking right now... honest).
I'm also finding the opposite is true of you humans, too.
Things that are really massive are sometimes dismissed with an 'Oh, it'll be alright.'
Take me for instance. I heard me human Renee saying 'Barney's not going to be happy we're going out tonight.' And all Richard could say was 'Oh, he'll be alright!'
See what I mean?
A massive decision to leave me alone was dismissed with four words. As it happened I was alright. I mean what better place is there than being in the presence of me own magnificence?
But there are other things, too.
Me human Renee is always talking about what's important and what's not. Take accounts for instance.
Just about every accountant in the world talks about 'doing accounts' and being good at it. But think about it this way - accounts are what accountants do; they should only be an issue if they go wrong. So she gets her team at TaxAssist to differentiate themselves on how they look after customers - how they feel when they come to see us.
Of course, I play my full part in this... after all, who could not be happy at seeing me!
I was thinking about this after encountering me new friend Denzil. I have included a picture to show you why big vs little was suddenly at the forefront of me mind:
Let me explain what I mean...
Me human, Richard, once made a screw up at work, when he was still employed that was. It wasn't a big screw up, just a little thing.
He ordered some training manuals in an old version and had to re-order some more. All told the problem cost his company (a bank as it happens) about a hundred quid or so.
The thing was darling Dickie boy had to go through a procurement process even for this amount of money and, because he screwed up, he had to tell his boss that he needed another purchase order and why.
Blimey, did he worry about it... a got a knot in the pit of his stomach, couldn't sleep and really worried about things for days.
Finally, he screwed up the courage to tell his boss what he'd done. And do you know what his boss said?
Yep, on this occasion you are quite correct...
'Thanks for telling me, no problem.'
Not only did he feel massive relief he also felt like a right muppet and was very angry with himself for not having the balls to confront things earlier. (That's a doggy expression by the way and nothing to do with what you're thinking right now... honest).
I'm also finding the opposite is true of you humans, too.
Things that are really massive are sometimes dismissed with an 'Oh, it'll be alright.'
Take me for instance. I heard me human Renee saying 'Barney's not going to be happy we're going out tonight.' And all Richard could say was 'Oh, he'll be alright!'
See what I mean?
A massive decision to leave me alone was dismissed with four words. As it happened I was alright. I mean what better place is there than being in the presence of me own magnificence?
But there are other things, too.
Me human Renee is always talking about what's important and what's not. Take accounts for instance.
Just about every accountant in the world talks about 'doing accounts' and being good at it. But think about it this way - accounts are what accountants do; they should only be an issue if they go wrong. So she gets her team at TaxAssist to differentiate themselves on how they look after customers - how they feel when they come to see us.
Of course, I play my full part in this... after all, who could not be happy at seeing me!
Thursday 17 October 2013
The New Shop
Well, me hearties, the shop is progressing apace...
Sort of.
I assume it's progressing apace but I don't really know 'cos it's all happening in the background at the moment.
Let me give you a couple of 'for instances'. The lease. I had no idea what was happening here until I gave our solicitor a call and then he told me that:
Sort of.
I assume it's progressing apace but I don't really know 'cos it's all happening in the background at the moment.
Let me give you a couple of 'for instances'. The lease. I had no idea what was happening here until I gave our solicitor a call and then he told me that:
- He'd got the lease from 'the other side' as he put it
- He was going to read it that afternoon
- Then me humans and no doubt me too (for me keen legal brain that is) would have it explained to us
- Then we tell 'the other side' about any changes
- They argue about them and we argue back
- Finally we'll agree
- Then we can sign
Sounds like a bit of a faff to me, but I suppose it's all important stuff.
We got an email from the Planning Department to say we'd definitely have a decision by 6th December but it would probably be before!
6th December? What?
I mean how hard can it be? It's not as though we're knocking the shop down! But there we are, apparently thems the rules. Seems like a bit of a faff to me.
The architect is drawing up plans as we speak and says he's got 16 desks into the space but we're just waiting for him to send the drawings over. Seems like a bit of a faff to me.
We've started getting quotes in for external signs and carpets... yep waiting for those, too.
We'll get builders quotes as soon as we get the architect's plans... which also have to go to 'the other side' via the lawyer before they can approve them and sign the lease...
You know what?
My head hurts and it seems like one big faff to me.
Of course it isn't and it's all necessary and, to be honest this organising lark is only going to get more complicated before getting easier...
That's why I'm glad me human Dickie Boy is doing it. So, if you have any ideas about how to do it better, things he should be considering don't hesitate to get in touch... with him, not me! But we're trying to get in for the first couple of weeks in December so be prepared for our launch party!
By the way, don't forget we do have a lovely office here in Corstorphine available to take over. There's six and a half years left on the lease with a break clause in eighteen months. Lovely location, loads of passing trade, nicely done out... get in touch if you want to know more.
0131 202 9888 or via the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh
Where you'll also find the first picture of the inside of the new place!
Tuesday 8 October 2013
Shop update... yippee!
My darling fans and followers, whom I know are legion... I am delighted to tell you me humans have concluded the deal on their new shop.
Yippee!
So, just the legals to go and time to get the lawyers involved, which fills me doggy soul full of trepidation.
Anyway, back to the new shop. As you know the old shop which has stood us in good stead for the last three and half years just isn't big enough any more. With eight people and six desks... well, you can do the maths better than I can; I'm a dog.
Me human Richard, who gets charged for his desk by me other human Renee is usually gutted because because he he and Renee and the only team members who don't have a desk. As Renee says: 'tuck your laptop under your arm, crack on and stop complaining, old boy.'
In fact, during the last three and a half years Richard has told every one who'll listen that his very own trouble and strife charges him for a desk. He only does this because he's looking for a bit of sympathy and keeps doing it because he's had none to date. Most people simply shrug their shoulders and say 'Sounds like good business to me' and that's an end of it.
Our new shop, then, is about three times bigger than the current outfit which means there's going to be plenty of room for everyone (including a desk for Richard) as well as space for extra stuff.
Renee asked the team what they wanted in the office, in an ideal world...
She was expecting outlandish requests... maybe the need for a hammock was upper most in someone's mind; for those lunchtime power naps. Or maybe a fully stocked bar complete with optics and a pool table. Or maybe a massage table, complete with masseuse on permanent standby (that suggestion may have come from Richard).
But not a bit of it. The team's requirements are much more down to Earth...
A good coffee machine, separate loos that can be accessed when Renee is having a meeting, a dishwasher and a desk each seem to be top of the list.
Well, I'm very pleased to tell them that I've authorised all of these things so all should be good!
To be (semi) serious for just a mo, though; the new shop is just what Renee and Richard have been looking for. It's a perfect size, it's in great condition and, most importantly of all, it's right here in Corstorphine which means you don't have to worry:
YOU'LL GET THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY FOR MANY YEARS TO COME!
I ain't going anywhere.
I'll keep you posted with regular updates as to how the shop is progressing and, of course, when we'll be opening the doors. I expect I shall be asked to perform the official ceremony, don't you?
See you soon me hearties.
Yippee!
So, just the legals to go and time to get the lawyers involved, which fills me doggy soul full of trepidation.
Anyway, back to the new shop. As you know the old shop which has stood us in good stead for the last three and half years just isn't big enough any more. With eight people and six desks... well, you can do the maths better than I can; I'm a dog.
Me human Richard, who gets charged for his desk by me other human Renee is usually gutted because because he he and Renee and the only team members who don't have a desk. As Renee says: 'tuck your laptop under your arm, crack on and stop complaining, old boy.'
In fact, during the last three and a half years Richard has told every one who'll listen that his very own trouble and strife charges him for a desk. He only does this because he's looking for a bit of sympathy and keeps doing it because he's had none to date. Most people simply shrug their shoulders and say 'Sounds like good business to me' and that's an end of it.
Our new shop, then, is about three times bigger than the current outfit which means there's going to be plenty of room for everyone (including a desk for Richard) as well as space for extra stuff.
Renee asked the team what they wanted in the office, in an ideal world...
She was expecting outlandish requests... maybe the need for a hammock was upper most in someone's mind; for those lunchtime power naps. Or maybe a fully stocked bar complete with optics and a pool table. Or maybe a massage table, complete with masseuse on permanent standby (that suggestion may have come from Richard).
But not a bit of it. The team's requirements are much more down to Earth...
A good coffee machine, separate loos that can be accessed when Renee is having a meeting, a dishwasher and a desk each seem to be top of the list.
Well, I'm very pleased to tell them that I've authorised all of these things so all should be good!
To be (semi) serious for just a mo, though; the new shop is just what Renee and Richard have been looking for. It's a perfect size, it's in great condition and, most importantly of all, it's right here in Corstorphine which means you don't have to worry:
YOU'LL GET THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY FOR MANY YEARS TO COME!
I ain't going anywhere.
I'll keep you posted with regular updates as to how the shop is progressing and, of course, when we'll be opening the doors. I expect I shall be asked to perform the official ceremony, don't you?
See you soon me hearties.
Monday 30 September 2013
Fabulous, Darling
I, in my infinite wisdom, have been lying around in the office for many months now...
I've begun to pick up on certain words and phrases which are beginning to pass into TaxAssist folklore.
But I'm starting the story in the middle, so to speak. So let me explain a bit more about where I'm coming from.
It all started (we think) with Nicola Wilson in the office... you know the one: Nicola is the lady who Richard tries to take a picture of every week for Facebook and always fails. She's either got her hands up, or her back turned or maybe there's just a spinning chair as she's made a harp sharp....
Whatever...
The important fact is that she's too fast for Richard. You can see how fast she is here:
https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh
Anyway, back to Nicola. It all started with a little phrase she says on the 'phone: 'Nae Bother' which is fine 'cos she always says it very nicely. Richard, though. has started taking the mick by asking her 'How are you spelling that?'
And it's now dropped into the team's general language. If anyone hears anyone else saying 'Nae Bother' it's immediately followed by 'How are you spelling that?'
Hilarious. (Or at least everyone seems to think so. I have to say it goes over my doggy head. I must be a little bit too intelligent for our team...)
But other things have started to drop in, too.
Take the word 'Fabulous'.
It's brilliant. 'Fab-u-lous, Darling' expresses so much in just too words. Say it in a Danny La Rue (or Sharon Osborne for those of a younger disposition) type way and you can get all sorts of nuances out of it.
But now the team says: 'Fabelous'... yes, 'Fab-e-lous'.
I mean, what's all that about? Where did it come from? Why is it encroaching on the language of the office and why has none of the team ever used it to describe me?
And, clearly, the answer to that last question is the most important of all!
I do recognise the need for social lubrication in making the world go round... after all, that's why you humans are so obsessed with talking about the weather... social lubrication, you see. But please, for heaven's sake can you get your pronunciation right.
It drives me nuts and it would be nae bother to make the world fabelous.
Still it gives the team something to talk about!
I've begun to pick up on certain words and phrases which are beginning to pass into TaxAssist folklore.
But I'm starting the story in the middle, so to speak. So let me explain a bit more about where I'm coming from.
It all started (we think) with Nicola Wilson in the office... you know the one: Nicola is the lady who Richard tries to take a picture of every week for Facebook and always fails. She's either got her hands up, or her back turned or maybe there's just a spinning chair as she's made a harp sharp....
Whatever...
The important fact is that she's too fast for Richard. You can see how fast she is here:
https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh
Anyway, back to Nicola. It all started with a little phrase she says on the 'phone: 'Nae Bother' which is fine 'cos she always says it very nicely. Richard, though. has started taking the mick by asking her 'How are you spelling that?'
And it's now dropped into the team's general language. If anyone hears anyone else saying 'Nae Bother' it's immediately followed by 'How are you spelling that?'
Hilarious. (Or at least everyone seems to think so. I have to say it goes over my doggy head. I must be a little bit too intelligent for our team...)
But other things have started to drop in, too.
Take the word 'Fabulous'.
It's brilliant. 'Fab-u-lous, Darling' expresses so much in just too words. Say it in a Danny La Rue (or Sharon Osborne for those of a younger disposition) type way and you can get all sorts of nuances out of it.
But now the team says: 'Fabelous'... yes, 'Fab-e-lous'.
I mean, what's all that about? Where did it come from? Why is it encroaching on the language of the office and why has none of the team ever used it to describe me?
And, clearly, the answer to that last question is the most important of all!
I do recognise the need for social lubrication in making the world go round... after all, that's why you humans are so obsessed with talking about the weather... social lubrication, you see. But please, for heaven's sake can you get your pronunciation right.
It drives me nuts and it would be nae bother to make the world fabelous.
Still it gives the team something to talk about!
Wednesday 25 September 2013
Do you know what you don't know?
For a woofer I'm pretty clued in to all sorts of things.
For example, I can't tell the time but I always know when dinner is about to be chucked my way.
I can tell whether a person is right 'un or a wrong 'un within 2 seconds of meeting them... they give off a smell, you see. All you humans do and I can tell just from the way you smell what sort of person you are.
I pretty much know how to get me humans to sort me out with a treat: sit down, look cute, bash them wiv me beak to get their full attention and then look longingly into their eyes whilst making me own deep brown mincies melt and dissolve with love and adoration for their kindness...
It's all complete tosh of course, but it seems to work on them. Saps!
Anyway, although I know a lot of stuff, I would never pretend that I know everything or that I'm even much good a lots of things... I'm not and I'm quite happy with that. It takes quite a lot of the pressure off. If you've got a reputation for being a bit daft people are more willing to forgive true lapses into naughtiness.
Hence I get away with the occasional crafty nip at Richard's fingers. 'Awww, he didn't mean it...' Ha!
I was therefore intrigued when me humans were talking the other day and Renee says to Richard when he mentioned a mutual acquaintance and she said in her most sniffy way:
'Him? You could write what he knows on the back of a postage stamp and still have room for the name and address!'
For some reason this made Richard laugh, but then he grew serious.
It turns out this guy had set himself up as some kind of guru and was leading a group of people right down the garden path. Even to a woofer like me it was obvious the guy was thinking small time when he should have been thinking big. He was thinking short term when he should have been thinking long. He was thinking 'what can I get out of this' when he should have been thinking 'what can I help this group of people get?'
Why do some humans do that?
Why do they set themselves up to be something they're not rather than saying at the outset: 'I can't help you with that.' Surely it's more powerful to say 'but I know someone who can...'
I've had a word wiv meself about this and I've come up with some observations about why you humans sometimes pretend to know more than you do:
For example, I can't tell the time but I always know when dinner is about to be chucked my way.
I can tell whether a person is right 'un or a wrong 'un within 2 seconds of meeting them... they give off a smell, you see. All you humans do and I can tell just from the way you smell what sort of person you are.
I pretty much know how to get me humans to sort me out with a treat: sit down, look cute, bash them wiv me beak to get their full attention and then look longingly into their eyes whilst making me own deep brown mincies melt and dissolve with love and adoration for their kindness...
It's all complete tosh of course, but it seems to work on them. Saps!
Anyway, although I know a lot of stuff, I would never pretend that I know everything or that I'm even much good a lots of things... I'm not and I'm quite happy with that. It takes quite a lot of the pressure off. If you've got a reputation for being a bit daft people are more willing to forgive true lapses into naughtiness.
Hence I get away with the occasional crafty nip at Richard's fingers. 'Awww, he didn't mean it...' Ha!
I was therefore intrigued when me humans were talking the other day and Renee says to Richard when he mentioned a mutual acquaintance and she said in her most sniffy way:
'Him? You could write what he knows on the back of a postage stamp and still have room for the name and address!'
For some reason this made Richard laugh, but then he grew serious.
It turns out this guy had set himself up as some kind of guru and was leading a group of people right down the garden path. Even to a woofer like me it was obvious the guy was thinking small time when he should have been thinking big. He was thinking short term when he should have been thinking long. He was thinking 'what can I get out of this' when he should have been thinking 'what can I help this group of people get?'
Why do some humans do that?
Why do they set themselves up to be something they're not rather than saying at the outset: 'I can't help you with that.' Surely it's more powerful to say 'but I know someone who can...'
I've had a word wiv meself about this and I've come up with some observations about why you humans sometimes pretend to know more than you do:
- If you don't keep talking your mouths seize up
- You worry that unless you are brilliant at everything other humans might not like you
- You aren't quite sure how to say 'no'
After I ran through all these possibilities in me head I came to the conclusion that I was being a bit harsh and I came up with a much simpler and easier to understand theory:
The real reason for not admitting that you don't know something is because you don't know that you don't know it... and if you did know it, that you didn't know that is, it would be much easier to admit you didn't know and that you know someone who does and they can help.
You see; my doggy wisdom knows no bounds... all you need to do is answer these three easy questions and they'll see you right:
- Do you know what you're on about?
- Do you kind of know what you're on about but someone else might be better placed?
- Do you actually want to help the person in front of you?
If you answer any of these questions with a 'no', run. Honestly run a mile and things will work out better for all concerned.
Wednesday 18 September 2013
Me Human, Richard, has suddenly become very active on Facebook doing all sorts of strange things.
Let me give you a couple of examples:
He's taken pictures of everyone's shoes for his 'whose shoes?' feature, he makes the team pose for 'funny' pictures as though they were having a punch up over a can of beer for example and he makes them hold up hand written notes usually about he kind of day they're having.
It's all bonkers and the team now raise their collective eyebrows' when they hear the immortal words: 'Okay, I need to take a couple of photos!'
Seems like a lot of palaver to me... as per the subject of a previous blog all you need to do is sniff someone's wee and you find out all you need to know about them... but apparently you humans have got some kind of taboo about that.
Anyway, back to Facebook... and you can have a look at our Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/accountantsedinburgh to see what kind of muppetry is going on...
But I have to admit, though it pains me to do it, that it seems to be working. We're getting lots of comments about the page (A guy Richard is working with in Taunton, that's Somerset, said to him 'You do a lot on Facebook, don't you?) and me other human Renee is really busy with new customers.
The thing is, though, no-one has yet said, 'I've signed up because I saw you on Facebook.'
Although I'm almost too modest to admit it, some people have said, 'I signed up because you've got a great dog!'
Almost too modest, but not quite.
So what's going on with Facebook? Is increased numbers of new customers to do with social media, is it just because the economy is getting better or is it a whole range of factors?
Answer on a postcard, please, but not to me. I'm a dog and not really interested!
Of course, you could always have a look at a really good Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist?ref=hl
Let me give you a couple of examples:
He's taken pictures of everyone's shoes for his 'whose shoes?' feature, he makes the team pose for 'funny' pictures as though they were having a punch up over a can of beer for example and he makes them hold up hand written notes usually about he kind of day they're having.
It's all bonkers and the team now raise their collective eyebrows' when they hear the immortal words: 'Okay, I need to take a couple of photos!'
Seems like a lot of palaver to me... as per the subject of a previous blog all you need to do is sniff someone's wee and you find out all you need to know about them... but apparently you humans have got some kind of taboo about that.
Anyway, back to Facebook... and you can have a look at our Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/accountantsedinburgh to see what kind of muppetry is going on...
But I have to admit, though it pains me to do it, that it seems to be working. We're getting lots of comments about the page (A guy Richard is working with in Taunton, that's Somerset, said to him 'You do a lot on Facebook, don't you?) and me other human Renee is really busy with new customers.
The thing is, though, no-one has yet said, 'I've signed up because I saw you on Facebook.'
Although I'm almost too modest to admit it, some people have said, 'I signed up because you've got a great dog!'
Almost too modest, but not quite.
So what's going on with Facebook? Is increased numbers of new customers to do with social media, is it just because the economy is getting better or is it a whole range of factors?
Answer on a postcard, please, but not to me. I'm a dog and not really interested!
Of course, you could always have a look at a really good Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist?ref=hl
Tuesday 10 September 2013
Eejitry (yes eejitry) of the highest order
Me human, Richard, is usually a pretty level headed bloke but sometimes, just sometimes, he performs eejitry of the highest order.
Take the new 'phones Renee and he got last week as an example.
R and R got new 'phones last week... i-phone 5s as it happens, which needed new SIM cards to be put in them. Apparently SIM cards are getting smaller and smaller and the new nano SIMs where a bit fiddly.
He got the first SIM in okay but the second one he made a complete hash of and the SIM got stuck in the 'phone.
What a nugget!
Anyway, he fiddled about with it for a while before deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valour so is cowardice the best part of discretion. He bravely decided to leave it for someone else to sort out*.
In the meantime he successfully sorted our Renee's 'phone and all that was left to do was contact O2 to get her telephone number switched over.
Now, here's where the story gets complicated.
I'd just walked Richard home and he was going to make the call to O2 to switch numbers and then go and buy something for tea.
He made the call to the guy at O2 who duly switched both Renee's and his numbers over to the new SIM cards.
Renee's 'phone worked fine (although that was lucky, too, if you think about it... there was a 50/50 chance that Renee's number would have been switched to the SIM that was stuck in Richard's new 'phone because he'd mixed up the SIM card packs).
Richard's number was also switched to the new SIM which meant that his old 'phone stopped working and the new 'phone wasn't yet functional!
What a divvy!
But here's the real eejitry:
Renee had Richard's wallet in her bag and she was out at Pilates. Richard had no money and no way to ring Renee to ask her to visit the shop on the way home!
What a plank!
So what does this tell us about you humans?
Well, I think it's three things:
Take the new 'phones Renee and he got last week as an example.
R and R got new 'phones last week... i-phone 5s as it happens, which needed new SIM cards to be put in them. Apparently SIM cards are getting smaller and smaller and the new nano SIMs where a bit fiddly.
He got the first SIM in okay but the second one he made a complete hash of and the SIM got stuck in the 'phone.
What a nugget!
Anyway, he fiddled about with it for a while before deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valour so is cowardice the best part of discretion. He bravely decided to leave it for someone else to sort out*.
In the meantime he successfully sorted our Renee's 'phone and all that was left to do was contact O2 to get her telephone number switched over.
Now, here's where the story gets complicated.
I'd just walked Richard home and he was going to make the call to O2 to switch numbers and then go and buy something for tea.
He made the call to the guy at O2 who duly switched both Renee's and his numbers over to the new SIM cards.
Renee's 'phone worked fine (although that was lucky, too, if you think about it... there was a 50/50 chance that Renee's number would have been switched to the SIM that was stuck in Richard's new 'phone because he'd mixed up the SIM card packs).
Richard's number was also switched to the new SIM which meant that his old 'phone stopped working and the new 'phone wasn't yet functional!
What a divvy!
But here's the real eejitry:
Renee had Richard's wallet in her bag and she was out at Pilates. Richard had no money and no way to ring Renee to ask her to visit the shop on the way home!
What a plank!
So what does this tell us about you humans?
Well, I think it's three things:
- You over complicated communication - just sniff each other's wee and that should tell you everything you need to know
- You are now bereft when you lose your mobile 'phones, even for a few hours
- Even the most sensible of you are prone to bouts of eejitry... to a greater degree (like Richard) or a lesser degree (like Renee)
*Richard did eventually ask a professional to help with the stuck SIM card... but of course he blamed Renee for trying to do something with the 'phone whilst he wasn't there to supervise. Honestly, he knows no shame that bloke!
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Swinging
I could scarcely believe me doggy ears last week... shocked I was.
I've never heard anything so rude and if I could go red I would have done, even under me fur.
And it all started down the pub.
You see I often take me humans Renee and Richard down the pub for me Saturday lunch... usually to a place in town because they are sensible people and let in good looking well behaved woofers.
We've been a few times now and the lady who runs the place is very friendly... there are dental sticks galore!
She was telling me (me humans were there, too) about this couple they had in at the pub.
They'd had a party (the older couple, that is) but most of their guests had left. Just as things were wrapping up the fella slipped his arm around the landlady's waist and whispered into her ear, 'So I hope my wife and I will see you and your husband later?'
'Oh no,' says the landlady, 'We'll be working until quite late so we really couldn't come for a drink.'
The man coughed apologetically.
'Perhaps I haven't made myself quite clear. We're inviting you into our swinger's circle.'
WHAT?
'Errmmm, well, obviously, errr, I'm well flattered, but well, I'm happy... I mean we're happy being a couple... You know.' The landlady smiled weakly.
The wife must have seen the slightly dazed and shocked look on the landlady's face because she sidled over. 'Oh dear,' she said. 'Did my husband frighten you by being a little too direct?'
Now the landlady was getting annoyed.
'No he didn't frighten me... it's just not the bag we're into, thank you very much,' she said with a touch of asperity.
'Theres no need to be frightened,' continued the wife. 'I was frightened the first time, but it really is very enjoyable...'
'Yes,' piped up a lady's voice from the table. 'It's good fun, you'll really enjoy yourself and it's all very gentle.'
I can't believe this, thought he landlady to herself, looking round for her husband.
And fair play to the guy, he saw trouble was brewing so he was over like a shot: 'I wonder if you'd mind checking in the kitchen... now, who'd like another drink?'
Well, me fur was well and truly ruffled by this...
It's not exactly the swinging that was the problem, although I can't see it meself. It was the fact the subject was broached and even after saying 'no' there were quite a lot of pressure applied.
Now, there's nothing wrong with asking for the business, as it were, but you have to read the situation, too. If it's a no-no, let it go. If its a no-not now, well then there's a different approach to be taken.
Monday 26 August 2013
Bark in the Park
Well, me adoring fans, you missed it...
Not Bark in the Park particularly, although you may have missed that, too. No, you missed me birthday.
Yes, I was the big 4... just 4... on Sunday and a very enjoyable day I had, too.
In fact, I feel both happy and proud today and not only because unlike you human blokes, I just seem to get more and more handsome, the older I get.
I must admit it's me human Renee who says that and she may be just a little biased, but I think we can all agree to the sentiment that she's so ably professing.
No, it's not my magnificence that I'm really pleased with on this occasion, it's the fact that I went to Bark in the Park and helped raise money for St Columba's Hospice... www.stcolumbashospice.org.uk
If you've never heard of St Columba's Hospice or don't know what they do please visit their website. The work is amazing and so very improtant to people with active, progressive and far-advanced illness (and their families).
Bark in the Park is only one of many events you could get involved with throughout the year, whether as a fundraiser or an organiser...
Okay, enough of that: back to me...
Someething seems to have happened to me human, Renee. And I can trace it back to the exact moment it happened. She bought me a neckerchief on Sunday and immediately tied it round me neck - just to make me look like a red neck hillbilly... or as she prefers to call me, a scallywag and a scamp.
Now, I didn't think I could get any more attention than I already do, but I was wrong. It has to be said that the majority of the attention I used to get right was female... Richard always says that I would be a great asset to him if he were a single man.
But as soon as the bandana went around me neck, suddenly I became a whole lot more attractive to the blokes... in a manly, I want to be your mate and throw a stick for you sort of way. (As opposed to the 'I'd like to cuddle you and put a pink ribbon in your fur' kind of approach.)
Anyway, it suddenly seemed that Renee became very proud of me and couldn't stop herself from hugging me and telling everyone what a good boy I am...
But |I suppose that's only to be expected. She is only human after all.
P.S. all of my posturing is of course 'tongue in cheek' but please do go to the St Columba's Hospice web page. And if you can afford a pound, please donate it. It'll be a pound well spent.
Not Bark in the Park particularly, although you may have missed that, too. No, you missed me birthday.
Yes, I was the big 4... just 4... on Sunday and a very enjoyable day I had, too.
In fact, I feel both happy and proud today and not only because unlike you human blokes, I just seem to get more and more handsome, the older I get.
I must admit it's me human Renee who says that and she may be just a little biased, but I think we can all agree to the sentiment that she's so ably professing.
No, it's not my magnificence that I'm really pleased with on this occasion, it's the fact that I went to Bark in the Park and helped raise money for St Columba's Hospice... www.stcolumbashospice.org.uk
If you've never heard of St Columba's Hospice or don't know what they do please visit their website. The work is amazing and so very improtant to people with active, progressive and far-advanced illness (and their families).
Bark in the Park is only one of many events you could get involved with throughout the year, whether as a fundraiser or an organiser...
Okay, enough of that: back to me...
Someething seems to have happened to me human, Renee. And I can trace it back to the exact moment it happened. She bought me a neckerchief on Sunday and immediately tied it round me neck - just to make me look like a red neck hillbilly... or as she prefers to call me, a scallywag and a scamp.
Now, I didn't think I could get any more attention than I already do, but I was wrong. It has to be said that the majority of the attention I used to get right was female... Richard always says that I would be a great asset to him if he were a single man.
But as soon as the bandana went around me neck, suddenly I became a whole lot more attractive to the blokes... in a manly, I want to be your mate and throw a stick for you sort of way. (As opposed to the 'I'd like to cuddle you and put a pink ribbon in your fur' kind of approach.)
Anyway, it suddenly seemed that Renee became very proud of me and couldn't stop herself from hugging me and telling everyone what a good boy I am...
But |I suppose that's only to be expected. She is only human after all.
P.S. all of my posturing is of course 'tongue in cheek' but please do go to the St Columba's Hospice web page. And if you can afford a pound, please donate it. It'll be a pound well spent.
Tuesday 20 August 2013
Is it Autumn or Not?
It's a debate that's raging around the office, I can tell you...
Well, when I say 'raging' I mean that some of the guys had a conversation about it the other day.
Opinion is divided on the matter: Richard says it isn't and everyone else says it is.
The upshot of all this is that the team thinks Richard should really get a life and stop wearing his shorts.
There is, it has to be said, a bit of a story about Richard and his shorts. Way back in the dim and distant past Dickie Boy said to himself, 'I know, it would be really good to wear shorts all the time (unless at work or going out) from the first of May to the thirtieth of September.'
And the tradition has stuck. The problem is, according to Renee, that he looks like a boy scout and his legs are just too thin to be wearing flaired shorts at his age. And to make matters worse, when he takes me for me walk at lunch time he changes back into his shorts and often forgets to put on his grown up trousers when he gets into the office.
That's why, sometimes when you come into the shop, he looks as though he's a bit jammed under the desk... it's because he's trying not to let our customers see that he's wearing shorts.
As an aside, the dreadful summer of 2012 was Richard's fault... yes, he wore his shorts tot he office in April and therefore caused a summer of disruption and bad weather!
Anyway, Autumn or not?
Well, officially of course, we have another month of summer. But let's examine the facts:
1. The leaves are turning already and there are many more leaves on the ground for me to roll in.
2. Everyone who's having summer hols has had them... even Nicola G from the office is back on Monday and then that's it.
3. It's quite cool for those of you without fur coats in the morning when you step out of the shower.
4. Tax returns are coming into the office very quickly - a sure sign that you lot are thinking about getting everything sorted out for the new year.
5. It's now much darker int he early evening and the nights are fair drawing in.
The thing is, it doesn't feel to me like it can be Autumn already... I mean it's only been five minutes since the clocks went forward.
I distinctly remember Richard saying to Renee that 2012 went by far too quickly and they really had to slow down 2013... and here we are virtually into winter.
So, Renee has two questions to ask you: Do you have any tips to slow down time? And if you don't please an you get your tax return stuff to us 'cos if we're going to be busy anyway, we may as well be REALLY busy.
Actually, she has a third question: Can anyone suggest a way of persuading Richard not to be so dedicated to wearing his shorts throughout the summer?
And let's hope none of the team reads this blog - especially the bit about being REALLY busy!
Well, when I say 'raging' I mean that some of the guys had a conversation about it the other day.
Opinion is divided on the matter: Richard says it isn't and everyone else says it is.
The upshot of all this is that the team thinks Richard should really get a life and stop wearing his shorts.
There is, it has to be said, a bit of a story about Richard and his shorts. Way back in the dim and distant past Dickie Boy said to himself, 'I know, it would be really good to wear shorts all the time (unless at work or going out) from the first of May to the thirtieth of September.'
And the tradition has stuck. The problem is, according to Renee, that he looks like a boy scout and his legs are just too thin to be wearing flaired shorts at his age. And to make matters worse, when he takes me for me walk at lunch time he changes back into his shorts and often forgets to put on his grown up trousers when he gets into the office.
That's why, sometimes when you come into the shop, he looks as though he's a bit jammed under the desk... it's because he's trying not to let our customers see that he's wearing shorts.
As an aside, the dreadful summer of 2012 was Richard's fault... yes, he wore his shorts tot he office in April and therefore caused a summer of disruption and bad weather!
Anyway, Autumn or not?
Well, officially of course, we have another month of summer. But let's examine the facts:
1. The leaves are turning already and there are many more leaves on the ground for me to roll in.
2. Everyone who's having summer hols has had them... even Nicola G from the office is back on Monday and then that's it.
3. It's quite cool for those of you without fur coats in the morning when you step out of the shower.
4. Tax returns are coming into the office very quickly - a sure sign that you lot are thinking about getting everything sorted out for the new year.
5. It's now much darker int he early evening and the nights are fair drawing in.
The thing is, it doesn't feel to me like it can be Autumn already... I mean it's only been five minutes since the clocks went forward.
I distinctly remember Richard saying to Renee that 2012 went by far too quickly and they really had to slow down 2013... and here we are virtually into winter.
So, Renee has two questions to ask you: Do you have any tips to slow down time? And if you don't please an you get your tax return stuff to us 'cos if we're going to be busy anyway, we may as well be REALLY busy.
Actually, she has a third question: Can anyone suggest a way of persuading Richard not to be so dedicated to wearing his shorts throughout the summer?
And let's hope none of the team reads this blog - especially the bit about being REALLY busy!
Wednesday 14 August 2013
A holiday of 2 halves
As you may have realised I've taken me humans on holibags... although we're back in Edinburgh today...
Well, we had to be didn't we? Me adoring fans at the Festival haven't had the chance to see me and take photos. That's comin' this afters so there should be lots more pics up on me Facebook page later on.
Anyway, me hols are going well, thanks very much for asking.
We travelled darn sarth on Friday night and got to Richard's mum and dads' very late... it was so late it was early the next morning.
'Shhhh,' says Renee as she was fumbling at the lock, 'People will be asleep.'
So, of course, I thrust passed her, banging the front door open with a crash before jumping up on me nan and granddad's bed to announce me arrival.
A very nice weekend we had but then had to move to Kidderminster where Richard was doin' some work. In all honesty we were having a hard time finding somewhere to stay... not many hotels take untrained humans.
But eventually Richard rings the place he always stays at (a Menzies Hotel called The Stourport Manor) and they allowed dogs!
To be a bit more accurate they more than allowed dogs... they were truly doggy friendly.
At one point I thought I was goin' to be dognapped by the receptionist... she was very, errr, enthusiastic. I don't often say this, but even I was getting tired of the constant hugging and the embarrassment of the long queue of people not able to check out because I was wiv me latest squeeze.
But, I have to say, the hotel staff really knew how to be doggy friendly. Brilliant and well done.
Now, this morning back in Edinburgh me humans decided I needed an MOT. Something about vaccinations and worming tablets.
I don't know what they were on about.
But horror of horrors, it was the Vet for me.
No I don't mind a nice vet but a year ago I sealed me bum over with poo.
Don't laugh, it was horrible and it's just a function of me lovely curls.
Anyway. I was taken to the vet who proceeded to shave my arse. But he shaved a bit close and gave me razor burn. My backside was brighter than one of the landing lights at Edinburgh Airport!
This morning, it turns out that the same vet who shaved me nethers was going to be sticking a needle in me. Just a little prick... and I ain't talking about the injection.
Needless to say, I saw an opportunity so I took it.
I don't think I actually broke the skin but the vet kept his fingers and toes well inside the carriage after that, I can tell you.
Now I don't condone that sort of thing and Richard certainly gave me a stern telling off, just as he was slipping me a crafty biscuit...
Off to the Festival now... see you next week!
Well, we had to be didn't we? Me adoring fans at the Festival haven't had the chance to see me and take photos. That's comin' this afters so there should be lots more pics up on me Facebook page later on.
Anyway, me hols are going well, thanks very much for asking.
We travelled darn sarth on Friday night and got to Richard's mum and dads' very late... it was so late it was early the next morning.
'Shhhh,' says Renee as she was fumbling at the lock, 'People will be asleep.'
So, of course, I thrust passed her, banging the front door open with a crash before jumping up on me nan and granddad's bed to announce me arrival.
A very nice weekend we had but then had to move to Kidderminster where Richard was doin' some work. In all honesty we were having a hard time finding somewhere to stay... not many hotels take untrained humans.
But eventually Richard rings the place he always stays at (a Menzies Hotel called The Stourport Manor) and they allowed dogs!
To be a bit more accurate they more than allowed dogs... they were truly doggy friendly.
At one point I thought I was goin' to be dognapped by the receptionist... she was very, errr, enthusiastic. I don't often say this, but even I was getting tired of the constant hugging and the embarrassment of the long queue of people not able to check out because I was wiv me latest squeeze.
But, I have to say, the hotel staff really knew how to be doggy friendly. Brilliant and well done.
Now, this morning back in Edinburgh me humans decided I needed an MOT. Something about vaccinations and worming tablets.
I don't know what they were on about.
But horror of horrors, it was the Vet for me.
No I don't mind a nice vet but a year ago I sealed me bum over with poo.
Don't laugh, it was horrible and it's just a function of me lovely curls.
Anyway. I was taken to the vet who proceeded to shave my arse. But he shaved a bit close and gave me razor burn. My backside was brighter than one of the landing lights at Edinburgh Airport!
This morning, it turns out that the same vet who shaved me nethers was going to be sticking a needle in me. Just a little prick... and I ain't talking about the injection.
Needless to say, I saw an opportunity so I took it.
I don't think I actually broke the skin but the vet kept his fingers and toes well inside the carriage after that, I can tell you.
Now I don't condone that sort of thing and Richard certainly gave me a stern telling off, just as he was slipping me a crafty biscuit...
Off to the Festival now... see you next week!
Tuesday 6 August 2013
Penny Swallowing Children
My Bruvva, Adam, had to have an operation yesterday.
Very off putting it was and I won't give you the gory details 'cos they're... well, gory!
Suffice it to say he did very well for a fella who isn't covered in fur, even if the blood on his jam sandwich was a bit off putting when he was eating it!
It's funny, ain't it, how we get worked up about things. Me human, Richard was in a bit of state all day, waiting for news. Of course, we all got worried about the bit when Adam was having his op but it's probably the recovery bit that's going to be more difficult.
Fortunately, he should be right as nine pence in a few days, which is good, 'cos the non-hairy little fella is taking me to the festival... not to see any shows, of course, but to see how many people take my picture.
You'll have seen that I've got a new Facebook page (www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist) where me adoring fans can upload their pictures of me... hopefully there'll be a real Barney community before long with people from around the world uploading their pics!
Anyway... back to getting worked up about things, which is where I started all this.
Me human Richard was in Ireland a few weeks ago. There was a lady on his course who had just come back from maternity leave after having her third puppy.
No, I didn't mean puppy... I meant baby.
Richard was asking her about how having a third baby was different from the first.
'Well, sure now,' said the lady (she was from Ireland, after all), 'It's like this... when your first child does the inevitable and swallows a penny you dash to Casualty, pull up out side, dash in with tears running down your face and shouting 'my baby, my baby!''
She pauses for a minute. 'With your second, it's different. When he swallows a penny you're careful for a bit and search through his... errr... excavations to make sure the penny makes it all the way through.'
And the third?
'Ah, now, that's different again. When your third child swallows a penny you ask for the change!'
So, although it seems horrible to Adam and Richard's been like a bear with a sore head... it's probably best not to get too worked up! It will all come right in the end!
Very off putting it was and I won't give you the gory details 'cos they're... well, gory!
Suffice it to say he did very well for a fella who isn't covered in fur, even if the blood on his jam sandwich was a bit off putting when he was eating it!
It's funny, ain't it, how we get worked up about things. Me human, Richard was in a bit of state all day, waiting for news. Of course, we all got worried about the bit when Adam was having his op but it's probably the recovery bit that's going to be more difficult.
Fortunately, he should be right as nine pence in a few days, which is good, 'cos the non-hairy little fella is taking me to the festival... not to see any shows, of course, but to see how many people take my picture.
You'll have seen that I've got a new Facebook page (www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist) where me adoring fans can upload their pictures of me... hopefully there'll be a real Barney community before long with people from around the world uploading their pics!
Anyway... back to getting worked up about things, which is where I started all this.
Me human Richard was in Ireland a few weeks ago. There was a lady on his course who had just come back from maternity leave after having her third puppy.
No, I didn't mean puppy... I meant baby.
Richard was asking her about how having a third baby was different from the first.
'Well, sure now,' said the lady (she was from Ireland, after all), 'It's like this... when your first child does the inevitable and swallows a penny you dash to Casualty, pull up out side, dash in with tears running down your face and shouting 'my baby, my baby!''
She pauses for a minute. 'With your second, it's different. When he swallows a penny you're careful for a bit and search through his... errr... excavations to make sure the penny makes it all the way through.'
And the third?
'Ah, now, that's different again. When your third child swallows a penny you ask for the change!'
So, although it seems horrible to Adam and Richard's been like a bear with a sore head... it's probably best not to get too worked up! It will all come right in the end!
Wednesday 31 July 2013
Fur Coat Nae Knickers
Last week I may have inadvertently mentioned that I don't wear under-garments.
My actual words were 'Fur Coat, Nae Knickers'...
Apparently this wasn't the most appropriate thing to say and it caused a storm of protest... an email flooded in to my inbox (barney@taxassist.co.uk).
I don't necessarily think it was the phrase itself that caused the issue but my apparent lack of modesty. Well, I just won't have that... I'm the most modest woofer you will ever come across. My modesty knows no bounds. In fact, it's the best modesty you'll ever see. It's stupendous in nature and will put your modesty in the shade...
I'm just messing with you; I know what modesty is... I'm just not very good at it.
Anyway, putting my own magnificence to one side, just for a few moments I was thinking about my team in the office yesterday. There are now 8 of them if you include me humans Renee and Richard. Of course, they're all very good at what they do, but I've just noticed that they're a very good looking team, too.
I don't mean Richard so much, but the rest of them are pleasing on the eye. As pleasing as a anyone can be when they're not covered in fur like mine.
They're a pretty mixed bunch, too. We have people from Edinburgh, Poland, Dunbar, the Borders and even one from Doon Sooth (that would be Richard again). They work in teams of two: there's an accountant and bookkeeper in each team and they look after everything for their group of customers from bookkeeping to VAT to accounts to payroll and everything between.
But leaving aside what they do, their experience and how good looking they are they all have one thing in common... they're all very nice to me, giving me the occasional scratch.
Actually, they have two things in common... not only are they very nice to me, but they're all very nice to our customers, too. Not that they'll give you a little scratch behind the ears (unless you ask them, that is) but their first thought is always about customers and what they need... then they'll think about accounts and bookkeeping and all that stuff.
Must be me human Renee's influence I suppose. She always says that we'll never have a 'Receptionist' because it's everyone's job to make people feel welcome!
My actual words were 'Fur Coat, Nae Knickers'...
Apparently this wasn't the most appropriate thing to say and it caused a storm of protest... an email flooded in to my inbox (barney@taxassist.co.uk).
I don't necessarily think it was the phrase itself that caused the issue but my apparent lack of modesty. Well, I just won't have that... I'm the most modest woofer you will ever come across. My modesty knows no bounds. In fact, it's the best modesty you'll ever see. It's stupendous in nature and will put your modesty in the shade...
I'm just messing with you; I know what modesty is... I'm just not very good at it.
Anyway, putting my own magnificence to one side, just for a few moments I was thinking about my team in the office yesterday. There are now 8 of them if you include me humans Renee and Richard. Of course, they're all very good at what they do, but I've just noticed that they're a very good looking team, too.
I don't mean Richard so much, but the rest of them are pleasing on the eye. As pleasing as a anyone can be when they're not covered in fur like mine.
They're a pretty mixed bunch, too. We have people from Edinburgh, Poland, Dunbar, the Borders and even one from Doon Sooth (that would be Richard again). They work in teams of two: there's an accountant and bookkeeper in each team and they look after everything for their group of customers from bookkeeping to VAT to accounts to payroll and everything between.
But leaving aside what they do, their experience and how good looking they are they all have one thing in common... they're all very nice to me, giving me the occasional scratch.
Actually, they have two things in common... not only are they very nice to me, but they're all very nice to our customers, too. Not that they'll give you a little scratch behind the ears (unless you ask them, that is) but their first thought is always about customers and what they need... then they'll think about accounts and bookkeeping and all that stuff.
Must be me human Renee's influence I suppose. She always says that we'll never have a 'Receptionist' because it's everyone's job to make people feel welcome!
Tuesday 23 July 2013
A Dog's Clothes Say a Lot About Him
I have to say I had a narrow escape last Christmas.
Me human Renee decided that perhaps a luxurious rasta fur coat like mine wasn't enough and that maybe I needed some, well, human clothes to go with it.
So, she proceeded to buy me a kilt and Bonny Prince Charlie jacket. What was she thinking? I mean, talk about ridiculously embarrassing for a cool woofer like me.
OMG me other human Richard was drinking a cup of coffee when she told him what she'd done. It's the first time I've ever seen coffee come out of someone's nose. I think it must have burned on the way out, too, 'cos he didn't half jump about for a few minutes.
Anyway I had to wait, with some nervousness it has to be said, for the day when me new clothes arrived. Renee planned for weeks what she was going to do. Dress me up at Christmas, take photos and generally make me look like... well, I'll leave it your imagination what I'd look like.
The fateful day arrived and, glory of glories, hallelujah and praise the great big bone in the sky, the outfit didn't fit.
I think both Renee and Richard were disappointed but probably for different reasons...
But at least all this brings me on to the outrageous point I've been trying to get to.
Children's clothes don't have VAT on them. Why? Don't ask me 'cos I don't know. I'm just a dog. Something to do with them being dependent or somefink like that.
This got Renee thinking. Should a woofer's clothes also be free of VAT? Well, outrageously, it turns out they're not. But why? After all, I'm a dependent, I'm only 4 (although some would say that's 28 in dog years) and I bring loads to the Scottish economy...
It's discrimination if you ask me...
(Actually, I think that it might be simply that a dog has enough clothes (fur coat, nae knickers) of his own without needing a Bonny Prince Charlie to make him look like a muppet.)
Having said that, me new high viz vest is very fetching. Have a look at Facebook and search Tax Assist West Edinburgh for a rather splendid picture of me in me new outfit...
Me human Renee decided that perhaps a luxurious rasta fur coat like mine wasn't enough and that maybe I needed some, well, human clothes to go with it.
So, she proceeded to buy me a kilt and Bonny Prince Charlie jacket. What was she thinking? I mean, talk about ridiculously embarrassing for a cool woofer like me.
OMG me other human Richard was drinking a cup of coffee when she told him what she'd done. It's the first time I've ever seen coffee come out of someone's nose. I think it must have burned on the way out, too, 'cos he didn't half jump about for a few minutes.
Anyway I had to wait, with some nervousness it has to be said, for the day when me new clothes arrived. Renee planned for weeks what she was going to do. Dress me up at Christmas, take photos and generally make me look like... well, I'll leave it your imagination what I'd look like.
The fateful day arrived and, glory of glories, hallelujah and praise the great big bone in the sky, the outfit didn't fit.
I think both Renee and Richard were disappointed but probably for different reasons...
But at least all this brings me on to the outrageous point I've been trying to get to.
Children's clothes don't have VAT on them. Why? Don't ask me 'cos I don't know. I'm just a dog. Something to do with them being dependent or somefink like that.
This got Renee thinking. Should a woofer's clothes also be free of VAT? Well, outrageously, it turns out they're not. But why? After all, I'm a dependent, I'm only 4 (although some would say that's 28 in dog years) and I bring loads to the Scottish economy...
It's discrimination if you ask me...
(Actually, I think that it might be simply that a dog has enough clothes (fur coat, nae knickers) of his own without needing a Bonny Prince Charlie to make him look like a muppet.)
Having said that, me new high viz vest is very fetching. Have a look at Facebook and search Tax Assist West Edinburgh for a rather splendid picture of me in me new outfit...
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Playmates
I am a happy woofer.
Generally that's true but this week even more so.
You see I have some playmates staying with me. Me human Richard has his 16 year old daughter and her friend staying. Clearly the are here for one reason and one reason only... to look after yours truly.
Not that I need looking after, but I play this game where I pretend I do and people bring me biscuits, treats, toys and food. It's brilliant - you should try it!
Anyway, I've got these playmates which is great. But OMG, I can't believe it; they wanted to go into Edinburgh and visit places that I couldn't go. I had to spend the day in the office at work... you know; looking cute and making customers feel welcome.
So, I did the only thing a sensible woofer could do under the very trying circumstances: I went on hunger strike.
Me usual plate of chicken and pasta was placed in front of me. I took a sniff, looked up with big, soulful eyes, let me tail droop and walked away... very, very slowly.
A Dental Stick (me favourite) was offered. I took it, then dropped it and left it on the floor untouched.
That is until me playmates turned back up at the shop after their day without me. Then I went all joyful, ate me breakfast and wolfed down me Dental Stick.
I know what you're thinking but I don't see it as fickle... More like asserting me doggy rights to be played with and entertained constantly.
I quite often hear me other human Renee saying that if you are in business on your own it can be a pretty lonely place, especially if there are decisions that need to be made and you need some one to talk them over with.
She always says that she gets to know someone's business... not their accounts or finances, but their whole business so she can help them if they need to talk things through.
It's the very same cross I have to carry. I mean, when you only get played with for 12 hours in a day, what do you do with the other 12?
Of course you ave to sleep for 11 of those... but the other hour is tricky and I always feel better when I can talk things through. Do I lie down here or there? Do I sit next to Ross in the office or Nicola? Do I look happy or soulful?
You what I mean... it's always best to have a playmate to talk these things through with.
Thursday 4 July 2013
Damn and Blast...
...and proably in that order.
Our nice new and soon to be shiny shop in Stockbridge has fallen through.
Yes, you heard me... fallen through.
That's a funny phrase, isn't it? Fallen through what, I wonder? There must be an interesting fact sitting behind that phrase like so many of our cliches.
For example, do you know where the phrase 'Back to Square One' comes from? No? Well, because I'm as funny, intelligent and generous as a woofer can be I'll tell you.
It comes from when football matches were first being described on the radio and the commentators didn't know how to do it. A picture of a football pitch divided up into squares was printed in the Radio Times - and the penalty box was square 1.
So when the commentator said (here you need to put on a clipped English advert) 'And the ball has been passed back to square 1' it meant that the play was starting again... good init?
Anyway, I've digressed, as is my wont, so back to the DAMN and BLAST.
Yes, our shop in Stockbridge is no more... it has ceased to be. It is an ex-shop.
We were taking over an existing lease from a lady and apparently, even after making an agreement with us she continued to market the lease, even behind her own agent's back. Evidently she found someone she had to pay less of an incentive to and blew us out.
And to add insult to injury we were blown out on the same day we received planning permission for class 2 use (whatever that means)!
Anyway, you can imagine it was a frosty old day in the office that day. There were a few less woofer biscuits coming my way, I can tell you.
It's back to the drawing board for me humans, assessing options, looking for new properties and all that.
So, me adoring fans, I have a request for you. If you spot any commercial premises (retail is best) for lease, sale or just empty preferably in Stockbridge but also in Blackhall and Gorgie can you let me humans know?
It might just cheer them up...
You can get in touch via the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/AccountantsEdinburgh
Or search Facebook for Tax Assist West Edinburgh.
Fanks awfully!
Our nice new and soon to be shiny shop in Stockbridge has fallen through.
Yes, you heard me... fallen through.
That's a funny phrase, isn't it? Fallen through what, I wonder? There must be an interesting fact sitting behind that phrase like so many of our cliches.
For example, do you know where the phrase 'Back to Square One' comes from? No? Well, because I'm as funny, intelligent and generous as a woofer can be I'll tell you.
It comes from when football matches were first being described on the radio and the commentators didn't know how to do it. A picture of a football pitch divided up into squares was printed in the Radio Times - and the penalty box was square 1.
So when the commentator said (here you need to put on a clipped English advert) 'And the ball has been passed back to square 1' it meant that the play was starting again... good init?
Anyway, I've digressed, as is my wont, so back to the DAMN and BLAST.
Yes, our shop in Stockbridge is no more... it has ceased to be. It is an ex-shop.
We were taking over an existing lease from a lady and apparently, even after making an agreement with us she continued to market the lease, even behind her own agent's back. Evidently she found someone she had to pay less of an incentive to and blew us out.
And to add insult to injury we were blown out on the same day we received planning permission for class 2 use (whatever that means)!
Anyway, you can imagine it was a frosty old day in the office that day. There were a few less woofer biscuits coming my way, I can tell you.
It's back to the drawing board for me humans, assessing options, looking for new properties and all that.
So, me adoring fans, I have a request for you. If you spot any commercial premises (retail is best) for lease, sale or just empty preferably in Stockbridge but also in Blackhall and Gorgie can you let me humans know?
It might just cheer them up...
You can get in touch via the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/AccountantsEdinburgh
Or search Facebook for Tax Assist West Edinburgh.
Fanks awfully!
Tuesday 25 June 2013
A slight misunderstanding - that's all it was
Before I start I have a joke for you (you have to say it out loud): What do you call an Irishman who lays about in your back garden all day? Paddy O'Furniture!
It could've happened to anyone, the misunderstanding I had recently, for which I got into trouble.
In fact, you could say I was in the dog house.
Sorry.
You see, me human Richards' parents were up in Edin'bra last week and very pleased I was to see them, too. Even I have to admit that I might have got a little bit too excited. I mean, I didn't widdle on the floor or anything, that would be disgusting, but it was mighty close.
No, what happened was much worse.
You see, I received an instruction. What was actually said to me (shouted would be more accurate) was 'Barney, don't jump up on your grandad it's not nice.'
What I actually heard was 'Grandad loves to have his face licked, why don't you jump up and knock his glasses off.'
See what I mean? It's virtually the same sentence.
Anyway, I had my misinterpretation and got soundly told off, even if it was innocent. I still think grandad does like having his face licked though. Is anyone lese left with an image they rather wouldn't have?
I heard me other human, Renee, who's altogether much nicer and more sensible than Richard, say that it wasn't my fault and that I was just being loving... and that it could happen to anyone and that he shouldn't be cross. You see, very sensible.
Richard had to concede that it's easy to misinterpret something especially when the message isn't very clear in the first place. Apparently he found himself in the same situation recently... not that he licked someone's face, you understand, he was misinterpreted.
Apparently he sent an email about planning permission which he thought was asking someone to submit an application. The person he sent it to thought he was asking whether they'd done it and if they hadn't he would...
You see - easy to do.
Anyway, new shop news... The said application was eventually submitted and we have had the response! Planning permission has been received for 6 Dean Park Street so I reckon we're just about ready to go with the lease! I'll keep you posted about works and then the launch party!
It could've happened to anyone, the misunderstanding I had recently, for which I got into trouble.
In fact, you could say I was in the dog house.
Sorry.
You see, me human Richards' parents were up in Edin'bra last week and very pleased I was to see them, too. Even I have to admit that I might have got a little bit too excited. I mean, I didn't widdle on the floor or anything, that would be disgusting, but it was mighty close.
No, what happened was much worse.
You see, I received an instruction. What was actually said to me (shouted would be more accurate) was 'Barney, don't jump up on your grandad it's not nice.'
What I actually heard was 'Grandad loves to have his face licked, why don't you jump up and knock his glasses off.'
See what I mean? It's virtually the same sentence.
Anyway, I had my misinterpretation and got soundly told off, even if it was innocent. I still think grandad does like having his face licked though. Is anyone lese left with an image they rather wouldn't have?
I heard me other human, Renee, who's altogether much nicer and more sensible than Richard, say that it wasn't my fault and that I was just being loving... and that it could happen to anyone and that he shouldn't be cross. You see, very sensible.
Richard had to concede that it's easy to misinterpret something especially when the message isn't very clear in the first place. Apparently he found himself in the same situation recently... not that he licked someone's face, you understand, he was misinterpreted.
Apparently he sent an email about planning permission which he thought was asking someone to submit an application. The person he sent it to thought he was asking whether they'd done it and if they hadn't he would...
You see - easy to do.
Anyway, new shop news... The said application was eventually submitted and we have had the response! Planning permission has been received for 6 Dean Park Street so I reckon we're just about ready to go with the lease! I'll keep you posted about works and then the launch party!
Wednesday 29 May 2013
Here to stay
Having told you, me adoring fans, about the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge many of you... well some of you... okay, okay one of you were kind enough to tell me how funny you found last week's blog.
I know the rest of you were thinking it but just never got round to telling me. You really need to make more of an effort to tell me how great I am.
Was that a bit over the top? A bit self indulgent maybe? No? Okay, well if you say so, that's fine.
Anyway, I thought I'd give a sit rep about the progress we've made since last week.
Errrr...
Wellllll...
The terms of the lease have been agreed, the designer is standing by and so is the builder. All we need to do is finalise all that legal stuff and Robert's your uncle and aunt Phanella is coming for tea and cakes.
The place is in pretty good nick so a bit of banging and a lick of paint there and we should be good to go. The planned date is to be for the first week of July.
Wonderful!
Now, there's a few things we need to do between now and then. One of them is to remind all my fans (for fans read 'clients who come to see me in Corstorphine) that we're going nowhere. Our new place in Stockbridge ain't 'instead of' it's 'as well as'.
Without wishing to sound like a bad speech on BAFTA day, 'you're all special to us in your own unique way... even those of you who bring in your bookkeeping smelling of fish.'
You know who you are!
And the good thing is me human renee has assembled a really crack team in Corstorphine. Honestly, if I didn't know they were accountants I'd think they were SAS or smoehting.
Anyway, the point I'm making is this: if you want to see me to give me fur the ocassional ruffle I'm still going to be about. If, in the less likely circumstance you want to speak to me human Renee... well that will still be fine, too.
I'll write you another update next week.
Cheers me ol' muckers.
Barney.
I know the rest of you were thinking it but just never got round to telling me. You really need to make more of an effort to tell me how great I am.
Was that a bit over the top? A bit self indulgent maybe? No? Okay, well if you say so, that's fine.
Anyway, I thought I'd give a sit rep about the progress we've made since last week.
Errrr...
Wellllll...
The terms of the lease have been agreed, the designer is standing by and so is the builder. All we need to do is finalise all that legal stuff and Robert's your uncle and aunt Phanella is coming for tea and cakes.
The place is in pretty good nick so a bit of banging and a lick of paint there and we should be good to go. The planned date is to be for the first week of July.
Wonderful!
Now, there's a few things we need to do between now and then. One of them is to remind all my fans (for fans read 'clients who come to see me in Corstorphine) that we're going nowhere. Our new place in Stockbridge ain't 'instead of' it's 'as well as'.
Without wishing to sound like a bad speech on BAFTA day, 'you're all special to us in your own unique way... even those of you who bring in your bookkeeping smelling of fish.'
You know who you are!
And the good thing is me human renee has assembled a really crack team in Corstorphine. Honestly, if I didn't know they were accountants I'd think they were SAS or smoehting.
Anyway, the point I'm making is this: if you want to see me to give me fur the ocassional ruffle I'm still going to be about. If, in the less likely circumstance you want to speak to me human Renee... well that will still be fine, too.
I'll write you another update next week.
Cheers me ol' muckers.
Barney.
When Barney met Ted
Let's get one thing straight right from the very start... I don't like Ted.
It's not like it's sour grapes or nuffing... I mean it's not like he's better looking than me; he ain't. It's not like he's cuter than me... that would just be impossible! And it ain't like he can run faster than me.
Well, he might be able to run faster than me, but pound for pound I'm faster than him.
(I have a lot of fur to cart around with me.)
Anyway, being all gracious, I suppose from some angles Ted ain't a bad looking woofer and his curly fur might be attractive to some people who haven't seen a dog with dreadlocks... There might just be a tiny element of cuteness about 'im.
The point I'm making is that we're trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
I mean, he's no Barney, but he's alright.
So why is it, then, that we spend so much time trying to get people to do things they should just be doin'?
Let me explain in a bit more detail. We all use other people because they're better at what they do than we are. All we can do is tell them what we want and rely on them to tell us how to do it. No, that's wrong... they should tell us how they're going to do it for us.
Take our new shop... (we're not there yet with the lease, thanks for asking and it's proving more difficult than we thought - the windows are rotten!).
Anyway... take our new shop. We (when I say 'we' I, of course mean me daft humans) use VoIP 'phones and when Richard (the dafter of the two) rang up the provider and asked them what he needed to do to get new 'phones they said to him (almost word for word):
Them: Depends what you want really...
Rich: Errr... well, new 'phones... you know. Answered on the same number - 0131 202 9888 - as the Corstorphine office and able to be transferred between the shops...
Them: Well, you probably need to go for fibre and then all you need to do is get an ATA box, install a business grade router, set up your hunt groups and auto messaging service and sort out your ring circuit. The all you need to do is plug in your 'phone!
All you need to do? All you need to do?
Who are they kidding? Just tell me if it's possible and then sort it for me! There's no need for all the splaff about boxes and rings and things I need to do.
Personally, I don't see why you humans need 'phones. Just smell someone's wee and you'll find out everything you need to know.
It's not like it's sour grapes or nuffing... I mean it's not like he's better looking than me; he ain't. It's not like he's cuter than me... that would just be impossible! And it ain't like he can run faster than me.
Well, he might be able to run faster than me, but pound for pound I'm faster than him.
(I have a lot of fur to cart around with me.)
Anyway, being all gracious, I suppose from some angles Ted ain't a bad looking woofer and his curly fur might be attractive to some people who haven't seen a dog with dreadlocks... There might just be a tiny element of cuteness about 'im.
The point I'm making is that we're trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
I mean, he's no Barney, but he's alright.
So why is it, then, that we spend so much time trying to get people to do things they should just be doin'?
Let me explain in a bit more detail. We all use other people because they're better at what they do than we are. All we can do is tell them what we want and rely on them to tell us how to do it. No, that's wrong... they should tell us how they're going to do it for us.
Take our new shop... (we're not there yet with the lease, thanks for asking and it's proving more difficult than we thought - the windows are rotten!).
Anyway... take our new shop. We (when I say 'we' I, of course mean me daft humans) use VoIP 'phones and when Richard (the dafter of the two) rang up the provider and asked them what he needed to do to get new 'phones they said to him (almost word for word):
Them: Depends what you want really...
Rich: Errr... well, new 'phones... you know. Answered on the same number - 0131 202 9888 - as the Corstorphine office and able to be transferred between the shops...
Them: Well, you probably need to go for fibre and then all you need to do is get an ATA box, install a business grade router, set up your hunt groups and auto messaging service and sort out your ring circuit. The all you need to do is plug in your 'phone!
All you need to do? All you need to do?
Who are they kidding? Just tell me if it's possible and then sort it for me! There's no need for all the splaff about boxes and rings and things I need to do.
Personally, I don't see why you humans need 'phones. Just smell someone's wee and you'll find out everything you need to know.
Friday 3 May 2013
I'm not meself
I've not been feeling meself over the past few days... in fact, you could say I've been feeling a little Ruff!
Oh, what a wag I am!
Oh, there's another one. I just can't stop meself. It's joke after joke... I've got thousands of 'em and everyone a gem.
But in all seriousness I'm barking up the wrong tree... sorry.
In all seriousness I do have a dilemma I need to sort out. Somehow I have to make meself into 2 woofers. You see, me humans have only gone and found themselves a second shop location for the TaxAssist business.
Okay, the lease ain't quite signed yet, but it's all agreed and it looks like things are goin' ahead.
'So, what's the dilemma, Barney Boy?' I hear you cry... well maybe you weren't but in me head you were, okay?
Well, let me tell you a little story about when I was walking me human, Richard, to work the other day. We were walking passed (not in, I'm disappointed to say) Union Park in Saughton. There were two school children coming the other way with their mums'. Out of the blue both children pipes up at the same time:
'Hello, Barney... have a good day in the office!'
Richard was flabbergasted. Not a word to 'im but what did he expect. I'm the face of TaxAssist in Corstorphine and a right celeb, too.
Now, finally, to the dilemma...
How am I goin' to cut meself in two to cover the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge?
I mean, if it's going to be successful it has have me as the poster boy. Renee is talking about a sort of time share and Richard mentioned getting another woofer, a kind mini me.
Well, no way, no how, not ever... In that order.
So, I have a question for you. How do I, Barney, the Face of TaxAssist Accountants split me time between shops in Corstorphine and Stockbridge?
Answers to the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl
or as comments to this blog.
Cheers mateys.
See you next time.
Oh, what a wag I am!
Oh, there's another one. I just can't stop meself. It's joke after joke... I've got thousands of 'em and everyone a gem.
But in all seriousness I'm barking up the wrong tree... sorry.
In all seriousness I do have a dilemma I need to sort out. Somehow I have to make meself into 2 woofers. You see, me humans have only gone and found themselves a second shop location for the TaxAssist business.
Okay, the lease ain't quite signed yet, but it's all agreed and it looks like things are goin' ahead.
'So, what's the dilemma, Barney Boy?' I hear you cry... well maybe you weren't but in me head you were, okay?
Well, let me tell you a little story about when I was walking me human, Richard, to work the other day. We were walking passed (not in, I'm disappointed to say) Union Park in Saughton. There were two school children coming the other way with their mums'. Out of the blue both children pipes up at the same time:
'Hello, Barney... have a good day in the office!'
Richard was flabbergasted. Not a word to 'im but what did he expect. I'm the face of TaxAssist in Corstorphine and a right celeb, too.
Now, finally, to the dilemma...
How am I goin' to cut meself in two to cover the new TaxAssist shop in Stockbridge?
I mean, if it's going to be successful it has have me as the poster boy. Renee is talking about a sort of time share and Richard mentioned getting another woofer, a kind mini me.
Well, no way, no how, not ever... In that order.
So, I have a question for you. How do I, Barney, the Face of TaxAssist Accountants split me time between shops in Corstorphine and Stockbridge?
Answers to the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl
or as comments to this blog.
Cheers mateys.
See you next time.
Monday 8 April 2013
Everything you wanted to know about pensions but were too bored to ask
No, don't look at me like that.
I can see your eyes drooping and can almost feel the pressure of your finger on the mouse as you decide to click away from me...
Don't go.
It's really very interesting.
Pensions...
Okay, perhaps not the most auspicious of starts to a blog but me and my team had a meeting this morning about our new pension scheme.
You see, it's time to start thinking about pensions again and Auto Enrolment is coming.
No, I didn't know what it was either but there's new legislation coming which says that by 2017 every employer is going to have to provide a workplace pension and contribute a minimum of 3% of salary.
Hmmm...
Me human, Renee employs 8 people (Although it's my team really. After all I boss them about and get them to give me biscuits) and thought she'd get ahead of the game by creating her workplace pension scheme now, rather than waiting for when small businesses have to join in by law.
So, we had a meeting this morning and I've given my permission to start our scheme off with 2% of salary contributions which means employees don't have to contribute anything if they don't want to (although it would be sensible if they did). We can increase our employers contributions over time.
My team will get the benefit of a pension starting early enough to make a difference and the business gets used to making these contributions, which we're going to make pretty soon in any case.
Now, here's the bit where I get outraged (again). Like I said, this is my team, I run it and I'm part of it but I can't have a pension because... wait for it, you're going to be as outraged as me...
I'M A DOG.
I think that's a blatantly furrist attitude. Just because I've got a tail and get around in the most sensible way (i.e. on four legs rather than the ridiculous two you humans use) apparently I can't get a pension. And I was prepared to put in 4% of me own salary to build me pension pot.
My 4% would have been in the form of doggy biscuits and dental sticks right enough but no discrimination against woofers is what I say.
Anyway, when I put me fur back on and calmed down I had a little reflection to meself. The lady who's putting this scheme together for us gave us some interesting stats:
Sorry, Dickie boy, I know you didn't want me to mention it but then you failed to give me extra chicken last night!
Anyway, if you're interested in sorting out a workplace pension so you're ahead of the game too, give Renee a shout.
reneemackay@taxassist.co.uk or have a look at www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine
Could be useful.
P.S. I realise this blog was a bit more serious than usual... normal service will be resumed next week. B
I can see your eyes drooping and can almost feel the pressure of your finger on the mouse as you decide to click away from me...
Don't go.
It's really very interesting.
Pensions...
Okay, perhaps not the most auspicious of starts to a blog but me and my team had a meeting this morning about our new pension scheme.
You see, it's time to start thinking about pensions again and Auto Enrolment is coming.
No, I didn't know what it was either but there's new legislation coming which says that by 2017 every employer is going to have to provide a workplace pension and contribute a minimum of 3% of salary.
Hmmm...
Me human, Renee employs 8 people (Although it's my team really. After all I boss them about and get them to give me biscuits) and thought she'd get ahead of the game by creating her workplace pension scheme now, rather than waiting for when small businesses have to join in by law.
So, we had a meeting this morning and I've given my permission to start our scheme off with 2% of salary contributions which means employees don't have to contribute anything if they don't want to (although it would be sensible if they did). We can increase our employers contributions over time.
My team will get the benefit of a pension starting early enough to make a difference and the business gets used to making these contributions, which we're going to make pretty soon in any case.
Now, here's the bit where I get outraged (again). Like I said, this is my team, I run it and I'm part of it but I can't have a pension because... wait for it, you're going to be as outraged as me...
I'M A DOG.
I think that's a blatantly furrist attitude. Just because I've got a tail and get around in the most sensible way (i.e. on four legs rather than the ridiculous two you humans use) apparently I can't get a pension. And I was prepared to put in 4% of me own salary to build me pension pot.
My 4% would have been in the form of doggy biscuits and dental sticks right enough but no discrimination against woofers is what I say.
Anyway, when I put me fur back on and calmed down I had a little reflection to meself. The lady who's putting this scheme together for us gave us some interesting stats:
- Anyone aged 21 today will retire when they're 75
- Anyone born today will retire when they're 80
Sorry, Dickie boy, I know you didn't want me to mention it but then you failed to give me extra chicken last night!
Anyway, if you're interested in sorting out a workplace pension so you're ahead of the game too, give Renee a shout.
reneemackay@taxassist.co.uk or have a look at www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine
Could be useful.
P.S. I realise this blog was a bit more serious than usual... normal service will be resumed next week. B
Wednesday 3 April 2013
Crowded
Growing a business is fun...
Seems like a lot of hard work to me. I'd rather chase a wet stick around a muddy park all day but there you go, there's no accounting for taste in you humans.
So let me correct meself. According to me human Renee, growing a business is fun. And I have to admit, she's very good at it. In three short years she's built her business from zero to... well I don't know how many off paw, but it's a lot of clients.
That's pretty good going and she still manages to take me for me walks of a morning, lunch time and evening, which I very much appreciate.
The thing is though, growing a business is fun, but it ain't without the occasional challenge.
Take our office for instance. A very nice office it is, light, airy and pretty efficient, too. The fact that the two front windows act like an oven when the sun shines on them and heat the place up like a microwave is neither here nor there. Doesn't effect me much, but then I usually have a nap in the pm... which is a much under-rated pass time by you humans.
Anyway, our office. There are six desks. Great. There are also six people working here, too. Brilliant! Ah, but there's Renee and me other human Richard, as well. It gets mighty crowded when they're all in the office together. I mean I hardly have room to stretch out and a friendly swish of me tail can cause havoc.
So, what's to be done?
Well, Renee could stop recruiting new clients. Hmmm... the words snowball and hell spring to mind. We get two people sat sitting at each desk. Nope, not really an option, either, they'd be friendly but it would be none too efficient.
Or we could find a second place! Do you know I really think I've hit on a master plan. Sometimes me genius astounds even meself.
Now, Renee will tell you she's been looking for a new place for a while and that may be the case. But now I'm on the case. If any of you lovely people out there in Small Business World know of a retail property for rent or sale in Stockbridge, Edinburgh (about 700 - 100 square feet) jump on Facebook Tax Assist West Edinburgh (http://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl) and let Renee know...
But be sure to tell her it's because of me. I'm sure to get an extra slice of chicken for me tea.
Seems like a lot of hard work to me. I'd rather chase a wet stick around a muddy park all day but there you go, there's no accounting for taste in you humans.
So let me correct meself. According to me human Renee, growing a business is fun. And I have to admit, she's very good at it. In three short years she's built her business from zero to... well I don't know how many off paw, but it's a lot of clients.
That's pretty good going and she still manages to take me for me walks of a morning, lunch time and evening, which I very much appreciate.
The thing is though, growing a business is fun, but it ain't without the occasional challenge.
Take our office for instance. A very nice office it is, light, airy and pretty efficient, too. The fact that the two front windows act like an oven when the sun shines on them and heat the place up like a microwave is neither here nor there. Doesn't effect me much, but then I usually have a nap in the pm... which is a much under-rated pass time by you humans.
Anyway, our office. There are six desks. Great. There are also six people working here, too. Brilliant! Ah, but there's Renee and me other human Richard, as well. It gets mighty crowded when they're all in the office together. I mean I hardly have room to stretch out and a friendly swish of me tail can cause havoc.
So, what's to be done?
Well, Renee could stop recruiting new clients. Hmmm... the words snowball and hell spring to mind. We get two people sat sitting at each desk. Nope, not really an option, either, they'd be friendly but it would be none too efficient.
Or we could find a second place! Do you know I really think I've hit on a master plan. Sometimes me genius astounds even meself.
Now, Renee will tell you she's been looking for a new place for a while and that may be the case. But now I'm on the case. If any of you lovely people out there in Small Business World know of a retail property for rent or sale in Stockbridge, Edinburgh (about 700 - 100 square feet) jump on Facebook Tax Assist West Edinburgh (http://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh?ref=hl) and let Renee know...
But be sure to tell her it's because of me. I'm sure to get an extra slice of chicken for me tea.
Wednesday 27 March 2013
I'm Outraged... as usual
Oy oy me old muckers. I'm back; after quite an absence I'm blogging again.
I blame me human Richard. You see I don't do the actual typing meself... I have a servant (Richard) to do it for me. You never know what you might catch from an unsanitised keyboard... especially after he's been tickling the keys.
Anyway, I was inspired to write (well, dictate) because when I tried to get on the bus the other day me human was charged £1.50. Yes! £1.50. Not £1.40. £1.50.
The fares on Lothian Buses went up to £1.50 on 24th March and I found myself outraged.
(I neatly sidestepped the fact that, as a woofer, I don't actually pay. I thought to meself: why spoil a good story by being troubled with the facts?)
Anyway, we got away with it because Renee had an extra 10p in the depths of her pockets. There'd have been no chance if it had been Richard, who doesn't carry your actual cash.
So, there I was with me fur bristling and a growl deep in me throat. I can't say too many people were terribly scared, in fact, most of them were laughing at me. Nevertheless, outraged I was. How dare they put up the fare by 10p? I suppose it was because they need money to pay for the trams.
And that set me off in another direction. The trams! What on Earth is going on there? What with pictures of politicians all smiling and happy on the first test run... which seemed to me to be about 100 yards along one tiny section of track. Big deal.
And then the price of a first class stamp! 60p? 60p! For delivering a tiny piece of paper anywhere in the UK. It's outrageous. I was outraged.
But then I got to thinking. What was I complaining about? All of these things still represent the bargain of the century.
Think about it this way: let's just see how far you get on your £1.50 taxi ride. You can imagine it can't you. 'Take me into town as far as £1.50 will go.'
I think you'll find you have a fairly short journey.
And then 60p for a stamp. To anywhere! Try delivering that yourself for the same price.
So, I've decided only to outraged at certain things (like a lack of biscuits) and I'm going to try and recognise value for money where I see it.
Speaking of which, you can always try www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine for real value for money.
See what I did there?
I blame me human Richard. You see I don't do the actual typing meself... I have a servant (Richard) to do it for me. You never know what you might catch from an unsanitised keyboard... especially after he's been tickling the keys.
Anyway, I was inspired to write (well, dictate) because when I tried to get on the bus the other day me human was charged £1.50. Yes! £1.50. Not £1.40. £1.50.
The fares on Lothian Buses went up to £1.50 on 24th March and I found myself outraged.
(I neatly sidestepped the fact that, as a woofer, I don't actually pay. I thought to meself: why spoil a good story by being troubled with the facts?)
Anyway, we got away with it because Renee had an extra 10p in the depths of her pockets. There'd have been no chance if it had been Richard, who doesn't carry your actual cash.
So, there I was with me fur bristling and a growl deep in me throat. I can't say too many people were terribly scared, in fact, most of them were laughing at me. Nevertheless, outraged I was. How dare they put up the fare by 10p? I suppose it was because they need money to pay for the trams.
And that set me off in another direction. The trams! What on Earth is going on there? What with pictures of politicians all smiling and happy on the first test run... which seemed to me to be about 100 yards along one tiny section of track. Big deal.
And then the price of a first class stamp! 60p? 60p! For delivering a tiny piece of paper anywhere in the UK. It's outrageous. I was outraged.
But then I got to thinking. What was I complaining about? All of these things still represent the bargain of the century.
Think about it this way: let's just see how far you get on your £1.50 taxi ride. You can imagine it can't you. 'Take me into town as far as £1.50 will go.'
I think you'll find you have a fairly short journey.
And then 60p for a stamp. To anywhere! Try delivering that yourself for the same price.
So, I've decided only to outraged at certain things (like a lack of biscuits) and I'm going to try and recognise value for money where I see it.
Speaking of which, you can always try www.taxassist.co.uk/corstorphine for real value for money.
See what I did there?
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