Fabulous, Darling

I, in my infinite wisdom, have been lying around in the office for many months now...

I've begun to pick up on certain words and phrases which are beginning to pass into TaxAssist folklore.

But I'm starting the story in the middle, so to speak.  So let me explain a bit more about where I'm coming from.

It all started (we think) with Nicola Wilson in the office... you know the one: Nicola is the lady who Richard tries to take a picture of every week for Facebook and always fails.  She's either got her hands up, or her back turned or maybe there's just a spinning chair as she's made a harp sharp....

Whatever...

The important fact is that she's too fast for Richard.  You can see how fast she is here:

https://www.facebook.com/AccountantsEdinburgh

Anyway, back to Nicola.  It all started with a little phrase she says on the 'phone: 'Nae Bother' which is fine 'cos she always says it very nicely.  Richard, though. has started taking the mick by asking her 'How are you spelling that?'

And it's now dropped into the team's general language.  If anyone hears anyone else saying 'Nae Bother' it's immediately followed by 'How are you spelling that?'

Hilarious.  (Or at least everyone seems to think so.  I have to say it goes over my doggy head.  I must be a little bit too intelligent for our team...)

But other things have started to drop in, too.

Take the word 'Fabulous'.

It's brilliant.  'Fab-u-lous, Darling' expresses so much in just too words.  Say it in a Danny La Rue (or Sharon Osborne for those of a younger disposition) type way and you can get all sorts of nuances out of it.

But now the team says: 'Fabelous'... yes, 'Fab-e-lous'.

I mean, what's all that about?  Where did it come from?  Why is it encroaching on the language of the office and why has none of the team ever used it to describe me?

And, clearly, the answer to that last question is the most important of all!

I do recognise the need for social lubrication in making the world go round... after all, that's why you humans are so obsessed with talking about the weather... social lubrication, you see.  But please, for heaven's sake can you get your pronunciation right.

It drives me nuts and it would be nae bother to make the world fabelous.

Still it gives the team something to talk about!

Do you know what you don't know?

For a woofer I'm pretty clued in to all sorts of things.

For example, I can't tell the time but I always know when dinner is about to be chucked my way.

I can tell whether a person is right 'un or a wrong 'un within 2 seconds of meeting them... they give off a smell, you see.  All you humans do and I can tell just from the way you smell what sort of person you are.

I pretty much know how to get me humans to sort me out with a treat: sit down, look cute, bash them wiv me beak to get their full attention and then look longingly into their eyes whilst making me own deep brown mincies melt and dissolve with love and adoration for their kindness...

It's all complete tosh of course, but it seems to work on them.  Saps!

Anyway, although I know a lot of stuff, I would never pretend that I know everything or that I'm even much good a lots of things... I'm not and I'm quite happy with that.  It takes quite a lot of the pressure off.  If you've got a reputation for being a bit daft people are more willing to forgive true lapses into naughtiness.

Hence I get away with the occasional crafty nip at Richard's fingers.  'Awww, he didn't mean it...'  Ha!

I was therefore intrigued when me humans were talking the other day and Renee says to Richard when he mentioned a mutual acquaintance and she said in her most sniffy way:

'Him?  You could write what he knows on the back of a postage stamp and still have room for the name and address!'

For some reason this made Richard laugh, but then he grew serious.

It turns out this guy had set himself up as some kind of guru and was leading a group of people right down the garden path.  Even to a woofer like me it was obvious the guy was thinking small time when he should have been thinking big.  He was thinking short term when he should have been thinking long.  He was thinking 'what can I get out of this' when he should have been thinking 'what can I help this group of people get?'

Why do some humans do that?

Why do they set themselves up to be something they're not rather than saying at the outset: 'I can't help you with that.'  Surely it's more powerful to say 'but I know someone who can...'

I've had a word wiv meself about this and I've come up with some observations about why you humans sometimes pretend to know more than you do:

1. If you don't keep talking your mouths seize up
2. You worry that unless you are brilliant at everything other humans might not like you
3. You aren't quite sure how to say 'no'

After I ran through all these possibilities in me head I came to the conclusion that I was being a bit harsh and I came up with a much simpler and easier to understand theory:

The real reason for not admitting that you don't know something is because you don't know that you don't know it... and if you did know it, that you didn't know that is, it would be much easier to admit you didn't know and that you know someone who does and they can help.

You see; my doggy wisdom knows no bounds... all you need to do is answer these three easy questions and they'll see you right:

1. Do you know what you're on about?
2. Do you kind of know what you're on about but someone else might be better placed?
3. Do you actually want to help the person in front of you?

If you answer any of these questions with a 'no', run.  Honestly run a mile and things will work out better for all concerned.

Facebook

Me Human, Richard, has suddenly become very active on Facebook doing all sorts of strange things.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

He's taken pictures of everyone's shoes for his 'whose shoes?' feature, he makes the team pose for 'funny' pictures as though they were having a punch up over a can of beer for example and he makes them hold up hand written notes usually about he kind of day they're having.

It's all bonkers and the team now raise their collective eyebrows' when they hear the immortal words: 'Okay, I need to take a couple of photos!'

Seems like a lot of palaver to me... as per the subject of a previous blog all you need to do is sniff someone's wee and you find out all you need to know about them... but apparently you humans have got some kind of taboo about that.

Anyway, back to Facebook... and you can have a look at our Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/accountantsedinburgh to see what kind of muppetry is going on...

But I have to admit, though it pains me to do it, that it seems to be working.  We're getting lots of comments about the page (A guy Richard is working with in Taunton, that's Somerset, said to him 'You do a lot on Facebook, don't you?) and me other human Renee is really busy with new customers.

The thing is, though, no-one has yet said, 'I've signed up because I saw you on Facebook.'

Although I'm almost too modest to admit it, some people have said, 'I signed up because you've got a great dog!'

Almost too modest, but not quite.

So what's going on with Facebook?  Is increased numbers of new customers to do with social media, is it just because the economy is getting better or is it a whole range of factors?

Answer on a postcard, please, but not to me.  I'm a dog and not really interested!

Of course, you could always have a look at a really good Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/barneytaxassist?ref=hl

Eejitry (yes eejitry) of the highest order

Me human, Richard, is usually a pretty level headed bloke but sometimes, just sometimes, he performs eejitry of the highest order.

Take the new 'phones Renee and he got last week as an example.

R and R got new 'phones last week... i-phone 5s as it happens, which needed new SIM cards to be put in them.  Apparently SIM cards are getting smaller and smaller and the new nano SIMs where a bit fiddly.

He got the first SIM in okay but the second one he made a complete hash of and the SIM got stuck in the 'phone.

What a nugget!

Anyway, he fiddled about with it for a while before deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valour so is cowardice the best part of discretion.  He bravely decided to leave it for someone else to sort out*.

In the meantime he successfully sorted our Renee's 'phone and all that was left to do was contact O2 to get her telephone number switched over.

Now, here's where the story gets complicated.

I'd just walked Richard home and he was going to make the call to O2 to switch numbers and then go and buy something for tea.

He made the call to the guy at O2 who duly switched both Renee's and his numbers over to the new SIM cards.

Renee's 'phone worked fine (although that was lucky, too, if you think about it... there was a 50/50 chance that Renee's number would have been switched to the SIM that was stuck in Richard's new 'phone because he'd mixed up the SIM card packs).

Richard's number was also switched to the new SIM which meant that his old 'phone stopped working and the new 'phone wasn't yet functional!

What a divvy!

But here's the real eejitry:

Renee had Richard's wallet in her bag and she was out at Pilates.  Richard had no money and no way to ring Renee to ask her to visit the shop on the way home!

What a plank!

So what does this tell us about you humans?

Well, I think it's three things:

1. You over complicated communication - just sniff each other's wee and that should tell you everything you need to know
2. You are now bereft when you lose your mobile 'phones, even for a few hours
3. Even the most sensible of you are prone to bouts of eejitry... to a greater degree (like Richard) or a lesser degree (like Renee)

*Richard did eventually ask a professional to help with the stuck SIM card... but of course he blamed Renee for trying to do something with the 'phone whilst he wasn't there to supervise.  Honestly, he knows no shame that bloke!

Swinging

I could scarcely believe me doggy ears last week... shocked I was.

I've never heard anything so rude and if I could go red I would have done, even under me fur.

And it all started down the pub.

You see I often take me humans Renee and Richard down the pub for me Saturday lunch... usually to a place in town because they are sensible people and let in good looking well behaved woofers.

We've been a few times now and the lady who runs the place is very friendly... there are dental sticks galore!

She was telling me (me humans were there, too) about this couple they had in at the pub.

They'd had a party (the older couple, that is) but most of their guests had left.  Just as things were wrapping up the fella slipped his arm around the landlady's waist and whispered into her ear, 'So I hope my wife and I will see you and your husband later?'

'Oh no,' says the landlady, 'We'll be working until quite late so we really couldn't come for a drink.'

The man coughed apologetically.

'Perhaps I haven't made myself quite clear.  We're inviting you into our swinger's circle.'

WHAT?

'Errmmm, well, obviously, errr, I'm well flattered, but well, I'm happy... I mean we're happy being a couple... You know.'  The landlady smiled weakly.

The wife must have seen the slightly dazed and shocked look on the landlady's face because she sidled over.  'Oh dear,' she said.  'Did my husband frighten you by being a little too direct?'

Now the landlady was getting annoyed.

'No he didn't frighten me... it's just not the bag we're into, thank you very much,' she said with a touch of asperity.

'Theres no need to be frightened,' continued the wife.  'I was frightened the first time, but it really is very enjoyable...'

'Yes,' piped up a lady's voice from the table.  'It's good fun, you'll really enjoy yourself and it's all very gentle.'

I can't believe this, thought he landlady to herself, looking round for her husband.

And fair play to the guy, he saw trouble was brewing so he was over like a shot: 'I wonder if you'd mind checking in the kitchen... now, who'd like another drink?'

Well, me fur was well and truly ruffled by this...

It's not exactly the swinging that was the problem, although I can't see it meself.  It was the fact the subject was broached and even after saying 'no' there were quite a lot of pressure applied.

Now, there's nothing wrong with asking for the business, as it were, but you have to read the situation, too.  If it's a no-no, let it go.  If its a no-not now, well then there's a different approach to be taken.